THAT Appointment

I've been poked in so many places today I've lost count!  At the doctor's office.  Yes.  It's that day.  The day all women count down to every year with dread and anxiety.  (Men, if you're squeamish you may take today's blog off.)  I'll be trying to navigate today's entry with prudish cautiousness as not to come across as vulgar but, if you haven't figured out what today is, you obviously have the wrong body parts and didn't stop reading two sentences ago as requested.

With all the advances in medical science you'd think there'd be a less barbaric way to get a look in there. But, I'm assured that there is not.  Maybe because I have a doctor who has an evil habit of laying the tools out one by one it front of me like torture devices. I don't know if she does this on purpose or not, but it seems this is a ceremony that could probably be performed before calling me in from the waiting room. Today after she clunked down each metal apparatus, she looked at me sideways and cheekily tossed a paper cloth over them as we had this exchange. Me, "Yep. Cover them up!" She, "Well, there's no reason to stare at them while we're talking." Me, "And, I will if they're not covered up."   (Then again, I'm also the patient who feels the need to watch as my blood is being drawn, shots are being administered and stitches being stitched... So, maybe I'm the sicko.)  Luckily, I also have a doctor that shares the same sense of humor as me, so it's easier to relax through the pokes and tugs while you're chuckling.

I like to keep my doctor's visits to a minimum, so I multitask with them.  Today I went whole hog.  I'm already there for the worst part, so I always toss in a physical, all my blood work for the year (fasting blood work.  Upon being asked, "Did you fast for 12 hours?" I rudely replied, "YES! And, I'm STARVING!" Low blood sugar much?), x-rays, dietary and digestive concerns and, today, I also got talked into a flu shot as the frosting on this bitter pill.  (May as well stuff as much into one copay as possible!)  I went through my mental checklist while staring at the mobile hanging from the examining room ceiling and realized I'd forgotten one thing.  I was literally still in the stirrups when I decided, "Oh yeah, let's talk about my swollen knee!"  Keep her prisoner while she's yours ladies!  (Or him.  But, if you're seeing a him, try to find a her.  It makes all the difference in the world.  I promise.)

In the end (no pun intended), I came home with new diet restrictions to add to my already enforced cholesterol and blood sugar friendly ones.  A pamphlet of knee exercises. ("Didn't I give you these to do last year?"  "Ummm.... I think I lost the paper...")  And, two fresh stab wounds to my left arm. 

Every year as this day draws near I question myself as to why I'm going through with it again.  Then I remember that the good doc also withholds all pills once your year's supply runs out.  So, to make the best of it, I always take the day off of work as a reward to myself for following through and not canceling. Sometimes I'll go shopping afterward, sometimes a trip to the zoo... whatever the reward, it is certainly well-earned and the rest of you women should "treat" yourself as well.  Seeing that my fresh stab wounds feel like a dump truck has run over my bicep, today's reward was diminished to lounging in the backyard reading old fashion magazines. Still beats a day at work!

Just remember, there once was a time when we didn't have these advances and women's "female problems" went undiagnosed and untreated.  If the technology is there, how can we not take advantage of it?  It's worth the few moments of discomfort (and if you have a female doctor; she's been there, she knows and she'll go quick!)  As, my doctor finished up today with the "worst part" today she announced, "Done!"  To which I sighed, "Yay! The most dreaded moment of my year is over!"  She replied, 'Hey. If that's the worst part of your year... then you're having a pretty good year!"

I think she may be onto something.