Saturday, January 3, 2015

2014 Year in Review

Not a best of, not a worst of... just the things I feel like talking at you about in this year's Pop Culture wrap-up.

And, as always, all red links lead to good things!

AT THE MOVIES:


  • Gone Girl: The year's most thrilling, mind-bending, titillating mystery that I really wish I hadn't brought my mother along to see.
  • John Wick: A most welcome return to the gratuitous action genre. The body count, innumerable. I literally left the theater exhausted. And, if Keanu Reeves can keep up with that much cardio at the age of 50, I have absolutely no excuse for skipping my evening walk.
  • Birdman: Michael Keaton's back! Michael Keaton is BACK!! And, he's going to win an Oscar! Although, I'm in the minority by having my critiques of some of the directing choices in Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu's stunner/comeback vehicle for Keaton, I cannot deny the flawless acting from each and every one of its stars and costars. If this film does not win the prize for Outstanding Cast at this year's SAG Awards, I completely give up on Hollywood.
  • The Interview: So, I'm not much a fan of stoner comedies, or graphic vulgarity, or needlessly explicit language in film. I am pretty much immune to James Franco's smarm. I hated The 40-Year Old Virgin. I thought Knocked Up was good in concept, but veered off into bad taste once played out. That said, I'm a fan of Seth Rogen as a person (ie. talk show guest) and, potentially, a writer (if he'd put down that bong for five seconds.) I loved Freaks and Geeks. I liked Funny People. But, was I willing to risk terrorist threat to be "in on" his latest endeavor? Apparently so, because I did. And lived to tell about it. Was there drugs? Some. Was it vulgar? Yeah. Was there a needless amount of explicit language? Of course. But, did I laugh? Yes! Surprisingly, alot. I rank it on the same level as Tropic Thunder. If you did not like Tropic Thunder, you will not like this. If you're still not sure if it's not for you, check out Eminem's hilarious cameo and then decide.
  • Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part I: I am so unbelievably hooked on the Hunger Games series for someone who had avoided it for a whole year, based on the mere concept alone. And, as if Jennifer Lawrence wasn't perfect enough with her flawless hair, flawless face, flawless body and hysterical sense of humor. Now we find out she can sing pretty amazingly in a minor key as well. Oh well! It's impossible to hate her. You can only wish to grow up to be just like her. (Even if you're practically twice her age.) 
  • Big Hero 6: I call this the animated movie that offers the perfect segue for kids approaching PG-13 territory. There were explosions, action, drama, laughter and tears. (So many tears! I literally cried a contact lens right out of my eye!) I did have to warn a few younger viewers away from seeing it, though. That villain was a little too creepy for the Disney princess set. (Click here for some images to decide for yourself.)
And, Let's Talk About This: Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb. One of the worst movies my nephews dragged me to this year, that ended with the most unexpected and heartbreaking goodbye from Robin Williams. (This year's award season In Memoriam is going to be a rough one!)

I Missed It! Whiplash. Damn you, metro-Detroit theaters and your minuscule window for seeing anything that's not a blockbuster. This one is on the grab-it-as-soon-as-it-comes-to-DVD list.

Can't Wait for in 2015: A Most Violent Year, American Sniper, Pitch Perfect 2, Inherent Vice, Black Mass and... okay, fine, let's finish it off... Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part II.

IN MUSIC:
  • There were many mentions of butts.
   Moving on...

ON TV:
  • Gotham (Fox): This prequel to all things Batman had me a little nervous at first. How are they going to drag out the legacy of Batman in the twenty or so years it is going to take for young Bruce Wayne to become the Caped Crusader? So many characters crossing paths so soon! But then I simply sat back, relaxed, and learned to enjoy the ride. P.S. Middle-aged Alfred Pennyworth is a total badass.
  • Gracepoint (Fox): The American remake of the UK's Broadchurch miniseries was the biggest nail-biter on the small screen this year. The coastal smalltown murder mystery kept me guessing and defending my case for its entire ten episode duration and provided that best water-cooler talk of 2014. (It's still playing On Demand if you missed it!)
  • Drunk History (Comedy Central): The biggest belly laughs I had while watching TV this year were while sitting sober and watching drunk people try to explain (in great detail!) some of the biggest historical events in America. Check it out on YouTube, Comedy Central and full episodes now on DVD
  • The Mindy Project (Fox): I couldn't get into The Mindy Project in its first season. I felt like it was trying too hard to be the next Ally McBeal or something. But, in its second season, I gave it another chance, once it became more character-centric and less wannabe-chick flick. By Season Three, the show has really hit its stride. And, what?!  Danny Castellano is dancing out of nowhere! What's going on? And, why do I like it so much?!
  • Wahlburgers (A&E): When Donnie and Mark Wahlberg were growing up in Dorchester, MA, the neighborhood taunters used to call them the "Wahlburgers". So, they grew up, became multi-kazillionaires, then opened a successful chain of burger joints with their older brother Paul. They call the chain Wahlburgers. You may also call it the last laugh. Now A&E has decided the Wahlberg clan of nine siblings, led by matriarch Alma, are entertaining enough to have their own reality show. I agree. Last last laugh. (Also, keep an eye out for the real Entourage.)
  • The Little Couple (TLC): Still my vote for the most perfect family on the planet Earth. The 2014 season of The Little Couple led Bill and Jen through the highs of adoption and the lows of Jen's battle with cancer. Your heart will melt for these two (now, four.) And, if I ever met someone who is half the man Bill Klein is, I would consider myself the luckiest woman in the world.
  • Every Simpsons Ever (FXX): FXX has found a cure for the Nothing-Is-On blues that can strike at any given time with their seemingly-endless running Every Simpsons Ever marathon.
  • Eaten Alive (Discovery): Did you miss the Discovery Channel's Eaten Alive special? The one where idiot "scientist", Paul Rosolie, volunteers to be "eaten alive" by the largest anaconda on earth, all in the name of conservation and research? Count your blessings. I sat through the two hour ordeal just for you! Read about it here.
And, Let's Talk About This: Duggars getting married left and right. Never before did long skirts and chastity make a spinster feel so... spinstery.

And, What About That: 

I Missed It! True Detective and Fargo. Come on, Netflix! Bring me up to speed already!

Can't Wait for in 2015: Breaking Bad prequel, Better Call Saul.

ON THE WEB:

  • Listen Linda... just listen! I can't decide if little Mateo will be going into politics or sales one day. I do know that he will surely find a way to make more money (and cupcakes) than the rest of us, though. 
  • This meme.
  • These foreign Doritos with "kick".

OVER-HYPED in 2014 (and so, I refuse to add images):
  • Ice Bucket Challenge: Newsflash! You can donate money to charity without risking hypothermia.
  • Shia LeBeouf and all his self-produced drama: You're "not famous anymore". So, go away already.
  • Jaden and Willow Smith: They're so much smarter than us all now. Didn't you hear?
  • George Clooney Wedding: He's found love and is happy. Scandalous!
  • Kimye Wedding: I threw up in my mouth a little, then forgot about it.
Speaking of throwing up...
  • Bill Cosby: What is up with you?! I am in mourning for the loss of my TVland reruns. I am also mad on behalf of Cockroach, for you taking away from him the only royalties he makes these days.

I am now extremely tired and will lazily conclude with Funny Spellchecks Suggested in the Making of this Post (that, at least, were funny to me at 1:00 am): Birdman = Batman (go figure!); Stoner = stonier; Inarritu's = linearity's; Mockingjay = Mackinac; Gracepoint = grease paint;  Wahlberg = wallboard; Wahlburgers = vegeburger; Dorchester = chestier; Netflix = Norfolk; Shia = Shiva; LeBeouf = beef.

See you in 2015!


That Anaconda Don't Want None



Did you miss the Discovery Channel's Eaten Alive special? 

The one where idiot "scientist", Paul Rosolie, volunteers to be "eaten alive" by the largest anaconda on earth, all in the name of conservation and research? 

Count your blessings! I sat through the two hour ordeal just for you! 

About an hour and forty-five minutes of the program were spend traipsing through the "unexplored" regions of the floating forest along the Amazon River, while Rosolie and his crew melodramatically tried to catch a snake. All the while both daredevil and his team of scientists vowing their commitment to give their lives for this project, if need somehow be.

Once they finally found a snake they thought large enough to swallow Rosolie's big head, ego and all... the remaining fifteen minutes of the show were spent trying to get the poor thing to want to stomach the unsavory meal. 

Rosolie was suited in some sort of chainmail and Teflon getup, complete with safety scuba mask.

The "eating" portion of the program consisted of the anaconda tenderly sucking on the front of Paul's helmet and then wisely deciding it didn't like the taste of bull$h!t anymore than the rest of us do. (Trust me. You got kissed harder on prom night than what this guy experienced during his ordeal.)

The biggest joke of the special was that the "research" they were performing was to measure the psi pressure that a snake of this size would use to squash his victim. (Because, this has never been measured on a snake quite this size before! He repeatedly assures us!)

A psi sensor patch was adhered to the back of his safety suit somewhere between his shoulder blades. Hilariously, the snake squeezed him every which way but on the patch.

Even more hilariously, the man who spend 1 hr 45 min swearing to us that he would die for the experiment, tapped out once he felt his arm start to bough. 

Yes, he'd give his life for science. Just not an arm.

My unscientific brain tells me they could have slapped the patch on a wild boar, or something that the snake would have actually wanted to eat, to get their psi reading; thus saving themselves the cost of one super scuba suit, a TV production crew, and two hours of my precious time.

The most exciting portion of the show was documentary footage of an anaconda ralphing up a deer. Which you can also find plenty of footage of on YouTube.

You're welcome!