Saturday, April 4, 2015

Things You Need to Calm Down About


Now that I've humbly listed the items that I'm trying to calm down about, I think that warrants me the right to instruct you all to calm down a bit too. (Not all of you, of course... but, if the shoe fits.)

Things you should calm down about:
  • Feeling superior and looking down your nose at others' parenting skills, eating habits and tastes in music, movies or TV. Guess what? I was fed baby formula as an infant and lived to tell about! I eat meat and my heart's still ticking! I can't even pronounce quinoa without thinking really hard about it first. (And, couldn't even tell you what it tastes like.) Sometimes pop music, even when overly-manufactured, can be catchy and mood-lifting. We like what we like. We do what we do. Feel free to do the same. (Quietly.)
  • Making fun of others' appearances. What's with all the fat-shaming, skinny-shaming, slut-shaming, butt-shaming, clothes-shaming, lip-shaming and hair-color-shaming going on as of late? Are you the same people who wear purple to support Anti-Bullying Day? (I will now take this moment to publicly apologize to the Kardashians for anything I have ever said. I will choose to simply ignore you moving forward.) 
  • Thinking it's okay to post racist/discriminatory/hateful comments on social media that is aimed at entire groups of people with whom you've probably never even bothered having human contact with. Yes, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and you have your rights to free speech. But, please realize that this will also give you the right to be outted as a complete a-hole in a public setting. The choice is yours!*
  • Misrepresenting my religion as being a shield for your prejudices. Don't be throwing God and Jesus's names all over your hate speech. Especially during our holiest weekend of celebration. You make all Christians look bad when you only represent a minuscule percentage of us. Don't be misquoting Scripture out of context as a defense for your own ignorance. If you really feel that God has called you to hate, maybe you need to crack open that book you've been busy thumping people over the head with and perhaps start by turning to Matthew 22:36-40. Then, when you feel your next rant coming on, how about telling us about something you actually like instead? There's a reason they say the biggest deterrent to Christianity is Christians. Don't be a Pharisee.*
  • Trying to interfere with others' religious holiday celebrations. So, you don't celebrate Passover. You don't care for Christmas or Easter. You think we're all fools for believing in a higher power. That's great. Do it over there. Let us enjoy our special days and we won't make fun of your obsession with vampires and zombies.
  • The N-word. It's the 21st century. Stop saying it. Stop singing it. Stop typing it. No matter what color your skin is. It hurts my ears and my eyes.

Now take a deep breath... 

Just do as I say... and it will all be a-okay.


*If any of these bulletpoints personally offended you and you're now poised to spend a full hour angrily banging out a seething response in your defense; please note that you may want to save your time. If you have any past habit of posting racist statements/memes/"jokes", gay-bashing, or hate speech of any kind... I've probably already blocked you from my Facebook newsfeed and won't see it anyhow. I don't have time for that kind of negativity in my life and you should find a better use for your own time as well.

Friday, April 3, 2015

Things I Need to Calm Down About



Some things bother me. More than they should.

I can get rather hot-headed and opinionated. But, since I've decided I have enough gray hair for the time being... Here is a list of things I'll try to calm down about:

  • Getting outbid on eBay. It's not really a contest you're winning if it costs you money.
  • People not following my advice. If only the world came to realize how wise I am. Don't live and learn. Do as I say!
  • People that don't even ask for the advice that is just waiting for them at the tip of my tongue. Why aren't you more confused about your life? Ask me what to do! DON'T THINK I WON'T TELL YOU!
  • Conversations that didn't go my way over a decade ago. I came up with 52 better comebacks in the shower that are entirely wasted on the fact that I don't talk to those people any more.
  • Grammatical errors in social media posts that were initially meant to be deeply thought-provoking. Can a bad speller really be deep? And, why did you not proofread after going through the time and trouble of creating that meme? Couldn't you at least have used your Google search bar as a makeshift spell check? Sigh... Okay. I'll calm down about this by spelling it "gramaterkal eras" and saving it without correcting. *cringe*
  • People liking the wrong things. You don't like my show?! How could you not like my show? Maybe you just watched the one episode that had weaker writing than the rest of the stellar examples that aired this season. Maybe you were just tired when you viewed it and your brain wasn't acting so sharp. Give it one more try. I don't care if it comes on past your bedtime. Use the DVR! JUST DO AS I SAY!!!
  • People not doing as I say.
  • People not laughing at my jokes, comments, or physical humor. If you don't laugh, I'm going to just keep doing it harder. The choice is yours.
  • What I think you're thinking. I can't guarantee that I can read you thoughts, but I can see your facial expressions and am a pretty good judge of body language. That said, I'm pretty sure that you're mad at me and it's because you're thinking something about me that is not true, unfair or unproven, and your entire opinion of me is a misunderstood one. So, just let me explain... What's that? You're just hungry? Carry on.
  • People eating things that traumatize me. Ugh. It's green and brown. And, the texture is so creepy-looking. Are they calling that slime, "sauce"? It smells so spicy! Oh well... It's their belly, not mine. Why are you such an empathetic taster?
  • Obsessing over the fact that I'm talking to, not only the audience, but also myself in the second person throughout this entire post. It's my calm self's way of reasoning with my rager self. I'm not Sybil! Quit judging me, grammar snobs.
  • People who walk through life as living contradictions.

Don't worry. I'm going to lighten up.

The world can be an annoying place at times, but I know you're not all doing it on purpose.

Or, are you???