Give Me a Little Credit. No, Wait. Don't!

Today, I experienced a crowning achievement in my lifetime: 

I paid off  my last credit card!!!

For the first time in twenty years I have a cumulative credit card balance of zilch and what a feeling of relief has washed over me!

That feeling is something I've never experienced in my entire adulthood, seeing that my first shiny Visa card was delivered via snail mail at the same age that my adulthood began, eighteen. 

It arrived with a limit much higher than my then annual salary. From that day, it only took a few years for that limit to be gradually raised to an amount which nearly equals of my current annual salary.  Even though I was still making near minimum wage at that time.

Brilliant move, creditors.  Well played.

So, what have I been paying off for twenty years?  I dunno...  *shrug*

But here's my best guess:

• Gasoline.  Yes, my "responsible" first credit card purchase was gasoline for the graduation beater.  My wise financial plan at the time was to open one credit card and use it to fill my gas tank.  I would use my allotted gas money to pay off the card balance every month; thus, responsibly building a credit history to eventually finance a car purchase before the graduation beater's engine had coughed its last breath. Then came shoes...
• When the need came for a new pair of church shoes, or work slacks, or the favorite pair of jeans whose hem became thready, I reasoned that well... it was probably okay to charge that one thing and then pay off my balance in two months.  One month of interest can't cost that much.  Right?  And, think of how that would boost my credit history even quicker.  (Eighteen-year-old logic.)  But, then I got hungry...
• My generation, in our late teens and twenties, ate out constantly. We didn't have kitchens and ovens of our own.  So, we met up over dinner, over weekend lunches, over midnight snacks.  It was social!  Growing up, my family only ate out once a week.  On Friday paydays.  And, "eating out" meant Wendy's or McDonald's, not table service.  (Paid for in cash, no less.)  On a special Sunday night, we might do Big Boy's after church.  Socializing, back then, consisted of inviting family friends over for a home-cooked meal, or being invited over family friends' house for an exchange of the same.  I don't know how Gen X decided we were entitled enough to be waited on and rich enough to dine out five days a week.  But, my guess is probably around the time we all got credit cards! (We were very generous tippers though.  I know this because I just finished paying off that waiter's tip who graduated college and got his first grown-up job fifteen years ago.  Too back he couldn't collect the interest on that tip, it might have helped with his student loans.) And, then I finally got that new car loan...
• Once I made my first new car purchase, money got tight!  Five years of car payments?  Whew, good thing I have that credit card for incidentals!  Then I got another crush...
• Having a crush on a guy would always require an "investment" of a couple new outfits.  I mean, getting this guy's attention could be the first step to an eventual proposal.  Then we could pay off each other's debts together as chirping bluebirds fly circling our heads.  Then you get dumped...
• A slap of reality can effect many facets of life.  With stars removed from one's eyes, the grass is less green, the sky is less blue, and the bills are all yours.  Long-term.  Your minimum payment is creeping up beyond your comfort zone.  You tap like crazy on the calculator, you look at calendars three years in advance, you freak out with your friends who are in similar credit debt situations.  Then came the helpful blank credit card "checks"...
• BIG ploy in the nineties!  Each credit card bill came with a sheet of blank checks you could write out to pay your bills, to make purchases, to transfer balances or even make out to yourself.  The draw was that purchases made specifically with these checks would be charged a separate lower interest rate.  Usually in the single digits.  Sometime 0%.  I'd put these checks aside just in case.  If the budget got too tight one month, I'd write one to myself for a cushion or to pay my largest bill.  (Hey, I'll pay that amount off later, but at lower interest!  Yep, twenty-something logic.)  I remember once being on sick leave for two months from a job that didn't offer sick pay.  I actually paid two different credit card bills with 0% checks from the other's account.  Yes, I swapped a portion of the balance of two credit cards just because I couldn't make the minimum payment on either.  I dodged to payment with one fell swoop and it saved my credit score from taking a non-payment hit.  It also made me oddly prideful that I managed to eke out the bills once again without ever asking my parent's for a loan.  Then, I knew it was time to buckle down...

Yes, my spending spiral only lasted about half the length of time that my debt did.  I spent the next decade paying off bills for clothes that had already been donated to Goodwill, meals that had been digested and flushed away ages ago, investments in men that were no longer around and gasoline that was now vapors.  The consumerism frenzy that is my generation's produced not one lasting results.

Well, except, lessons for the next generation.  I can now warn of my biggest traps:

• Thriftiness.  Yes, thriftiness!  I love clothes, but I love a good bargain too.  I've always prided myself on never paying full price for anything.  I used to love when people thought I was wearing $50 jeans, but I secretly knew they were $12.99 knock-offs from the clearance rack.  I wasn't opposed to name-brands, but would find mine with red tags, at the designer's outlet store or, best yet, with a red tag at the outlet store!  This is smart shopping.  But, not if you don't have the money in the bank to make the purchase.  Outlet stores accept those store charge cards too.  Don't fall for the trap!  You only need seven outfits to get through the week and to laundry day.  Not thirty to get through the month, if you can't afford it.  A good deal's not a good deal if you're shopping with credit, period. (And, just think, what were $50-grade jeans back then are now $150 jeans these days!)
• Store charge discounts.  "You can save 25% off your purchase if you sign up for an account with us today!"  But, with usually double the interest rate of your standard Visa or Mastercard, stores will make back that 25% back and more in no time.  
• "Investments".  Don't make investments in anything with a credit card.  The guys aren't even noticing your new threads.  That job interview you "need" the new outfit for, won't know the difference if your pantsuit was bought second hand.  Skip the investment and shop instead with that first paycheck once you get the job.
• Socializing.  There's no law that states that socializing has to be done under the watchful eye of a hostess, waiter and bus-boy.  Bonding has been known to take place over a cup of Ramen Noodles  just as effectively.  I swear!  It's been done.
• Technology.  I was never a technology sucker... but, I'll throw this in because everyone else seems to be.  You don't need the latest and greatest. Two year old technology works just as well.  I am devoted to Amazon and Ebay for used gadget purchasing.  My most recent purchase was my first Ipod. (Yep, in 2013.  Told ya.  Not much of a technology sucker...)  I researched online which model best-suited my simple needs, but wasn't too outmoded to be used realistically.  Online research protects you from sales pressure and up-selling you'll get if you walk into a store without a clue.  I needed something that played music; no games, internet, movie-watching, etc.  I've got enough gadgets that already do all of that!  I chose a fifth generation Nano purchased on Ebay for about 2/3 of the price of a new 7th generation one.  Free shipping.  Oh yeah... and it's paid for.  Not charged!
• Panic purchasing.  Once you realize you're in deep, don't freak out and shop to comfort yourself.  You'd be surprised how many people do this!  Myself included.  "I'm never going to pay this off, so I may as well buy this too."  It's seems like a weird concept on paper, but makes perfect sense in the moment somehow.  Stop!  It's never too late to stop the cycle.  A great motivator for me was discovering Dave Ramsey's talk show.  It came on the radio every night during my evening commute.  Listening to his forceful yet somehow simultaneously caring voice chastise callers with, "You can't afford it!  Why would you buy it?" and "Why do you need a new car?" and "Why are you eating out instead of paying down your debt with that money?" was a great motivator. (http://www.daveramsey.com/home/)  Hearing others struggle, helped the problem not seem mine alone. And, hearing practical advice from a financial expert, for free, was priceless!
• Feeling "grown up".  Yep, I was eighteen years old when this cycle began.  You don't need a credit card to be an adult.  About 76% of college students have at least one credit card and the average college student already carries $3,173 in credit card debt.  College students.  Those are 18-21 year olds!  Most not even earning that amount in wages from their part-time jobs around campus.  They then graduate, hopefully get a full-time job, just to become full-fledged adults with an average of $15,204 in credit card debt now.  Their slice of the American credit card debt pie of $848 billion.  (Not to mention the average $33,005 in student loans they get to lug around too.)

I don't know the solution to the problem.  

I guess the first step is educating the young ones around you about fiscal responsibility starting early.  Everytime I've taken my nephews and niece on vacation, I've allotted them a certain amount of spending money for them to choose their own souvenirs with.  Some are broke by Day 2, some return home with pocket change.  It's not only a good lesson, but a good gauge for who to keep my eye on through the years.  Little things like this, I'm hoping will add up to good spending habits.

Most of all, I think our honesty is the biggest lesson.  I haven't been the best consumer but learn from my mistakes, young ones!  

I know there may be some in the more responsible generation that are shocked I even chose share this news so publicly. It's not proper. Finances are supposed to be a private thing. 

But, if my generation isn't the most fiscally responsible, there is one area we do excel in: Sharing and supporting.  

It's a long tunnel that alot of us have been trapped in, but it's not an endless one.  And, believe me!  That breath of fresh air at the end is definitely worth moving forward for.

Statistics by:
http://www.statisticbrain.com/credit-card-debt-statistics/  and www.nerdwallet.com

Girl Talk: Brought to You by Little Boys

Today's kiddie conversation in the car turned romantic when the ten-year-old asked me this:

10YO: "Kimmy, can I ask you something?"

MY THOUGHT BUBBLE: "Uh oh..."

MY ACTUAL WORDS: "Of course."

10YO:  "Should I be mad at my best friend if he likes the same girl that I like?"

ME: "Well, if this girl is nice enough that you think she's great... chances are there will be other people in the world who think she's nice too. You can't expect to be her only friend."

10YO: "No, Kimmy.  I'm not talking 'friends'.  Pacifically..."

ME (a.k.a. Grammar Police, coming in quick with the cut-off): "...Pacifically's not a word. 'Specifically'..."

10YO:  "Specifically, what if he like-likes her too?"

ME: "Well, how about you all have fun together at recess? There's no reason you can't both think she's nice and all be friends. There's nothing wrong with that.  That's all you guys should be worrying about at ten years old."

He then launches into the whole story that his other friends think he should be mad at the best friend and think they should be fighting. This girl makes him laugh, this girl makes the friend laugh.  But, everyone else thinks the friend is trying to "steal" her from him.

ME (Now playing the role of 'GIRL POWER'): "Steal her?!  Girls aren't property and she doesn't belong to either of you!  You can all be friends and make each other laugh. You guys are ten-years-old!  It's not like anybody's getting married anytime soon!"

10YO:  "Married?!  You're thinking of like-like-like. I'm talking like-like, here..."

ME: "Oh brother!"

His verbal weighing of the right vs. wrong of the situation went on and on for a few more minutes that I, quite frankly, started to tune out of.

There was some more, "Everybody says this..." and "I think that..."  But, then he brought me back with the statement, "Well, I guess I wouldn't turn on my best friend. As a matter of fact, I'd DUMP a girl for my best friend!!!"

ME: "Now we're dumping people?!  I don't like that kind of talk!"

[Cue our little six-year-old punchline, chiming in from the back seat]:

6YO: "I dumped a girl once."

ME: "Oh, really..."

6YO:  "Yeah.  And, I mean I literally dumped her.  Right into the trash can!"

Let's check our Final Scorecard: 

10YO = +1 best friend, -1 girlfriend; 

6YO = +1 zinger; 

Me = Exasperated X 2.

2013 Oscars Recap

The 2013 Academy Awards Show was the most anticipated by me in years.  I had actually seen most of the nominees for once.  I had mapped out my favorites and predictions.  I had enjoyed the preceding award shows of the season, along with all of their stunning fashions, presentations and funny acceptance speeches.  

But, in those other shows wake, the 2013 Oscars could not hold up in comparison.  The fashions were too safe.  The speeches were mainly short, bland and sweet in fear of being played off by the Jaws theme. And, the water cooler moments were few to say the least.  Bluntly put, the Oscars had a giant stick up its rump that the viewing audience was longing to see extracted at some point during the night.  Yes, three-and-a-half hours seems an adequate time allowance for such a surgery, but alas...

Mining for gold in a coal mine, I managed to dig out the few treasures and honorable mentions from the C+ broadcast.

Let's start with the Red Carpet booby prizes:

Speaking of Booby Prizes: We all know what we thought we saw when Anne Hathaway made her entrance on the red carpet.  Yes, we all thought it... and we're still not entirely sure. 

 Best Date: I've inherited a little Bradley Cooper crush after seeing him act his heart (and lungs) out in Silver Linings Playbook.  He managed to create the only bipolar-loudmouth-rageaholic on screen that you actually want to take home to your mother.  Speaking of moms... he then brought his along as his date for the big night, upping his adorable factor.  I also place 2:1 odds on the bet that he reluctantly also let her do his hair that night.

I'm not normally the biggest Halle Berry fan (or even a fan at all...) but when the pros at Versace heard she was presenting the Bond retrospective, they whipped up this metallic shiner just for her.  She looks just like a pistol!  Mission accomplished.

The We-Get-It-You-Have-Nice-Hair Award goes to...

Jennifer Aniston, of course.  Call me old-fashion, but I come from the school that if you choose to wear a dress that's wider than your shoulders, you should probably put your hair up.  Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy that you're happy Jen.  But, there's a thing called a chignon.  Try it sometime.

The Up-or-Down-Doesn't-Matter-to-Me-But-You-Could-at-Least-Run-a-Comb-Through-It Award goes to:  K-Stew.  Or, as I now dub her, K-Strewn.  It's your foot that's hurt, not your hairdresser's hands.  Just sayin'...

Achievement-In-Puffiness Award goes to Amy Adams.  Some of the red carpet pros called it grey, some called in pale blue.  I just called it entertainment for the rest of the night each time the stage camera panned to the front row and the entire row, along with all the earth around it, was swallowed up by Amy and Jennifer Lawrence's huge poufs.  But, my love for Amy Adams proves that she can do no wrong.

My Porcelain-Doll Award goes to Adele. 

 My-Eyes-My-Eyes-My-Retinas-Are-Burning-Right-In-My-Head Trophy goes to Jane Fonda.  But, she does get bonus points for wearing some color, which most everyone else seemed afraid to do this year. Even more bonus points awarded for not letting us believe for a minute that she's 75.

My Best Dressed of the Night went to Jessica Chastain.  You know you've arrived when someone begs to make free dresses for you that perfectly match the color of your skin and hair.

My Runner-Up for Best Dressed goes to Naomi Watts.  Not just as an apology for not having seen The Impossible yet, but for actually taking a risk on this safe night.  I normally think of sequins as being dated.  But, with the most interesting and least offensive cut-out of the season, she definitely earns at least a silver medal in my book.

Now onto the show:

As for Seth MacFarlane's hosting... meh.  He wasn't as offensive as Ricky Gervais's attempt at the Golden Globes.  But, I definitely would have preferred Tina and Amy, or Billy Crystal, or Chris Rock, or Ellen Degeneres...  It's great that some singing and dancing was brought back to occasion.  But, the most entertaining part of his tenure as host came, not from the show, but in the press the next day when he went on the record as saying he'd never host again.  Something tells me someones had experience preempting a breakup!

The "We saw your Boobs" song controversy:  Yeah... it was a little tacky.  But, if you don't want people singing about your boobs, don't have your boobs recorded on film and then broadcast to millions. (Jennifer Lawrence has this lesson down.)

Tommy Lee Jones Smiles: just before he gets robbed.

Les Mis Cast Sings Live: Accompanied by Russell Crowe's bobbing head keeping time as metronome.

Revenge of the Blondes: Showing at an Oscar-cast near you. Gooooooooo hippies!  (Or are they surfers?  It's hard to tell.  Metal-heads...?)

Less-Impressed-Than-Kristen-Stewart Award: Joaquin Phoenix is our winner by a long shot.  Just when you thought no one could be more annoyed by their invitation to the biggest event on the planet, someone had to go and nominate Joaquin for Best Actor.  The nerve!  (Honestly, though... the more I watch this gif, the more I pray for his soul.  Marvelous actor, but is he okay?)

The Mighty Fall: The press made a way bigger deal out of this than necessary. Maybe it just fell slightly higher on the ranking of the night's lowlights that it had to stick.  If you haven't heard, Jennifer Lawrence slightly stumbled on her way up the stairs to receive her Best Actress trophy.  And, people were just amazed that she found humor in the moment and had the dignity to go on with her speech!  Puh-leeze... Did they want her to run backstage crying about it?!  If she had tumbled from the top of the stairs to the bottom and then continued to roll down the nearest aisle, poufy dress over head, maybe then the moment would have warranted a YouTube clip here.  But, this pic is all you get.  (On the bright side, the following burst of laughter may have been enough to finally stir Joaquin Phoenix from his coma.)  By the way, Meryl Streep also tripped on her dress, right on stage, when presenting the next award... but, any mention of this in the press?  Nooo...

Best Preggo Presentation was brought to us earlier in the night by Channing and Jenna Tatum.  Causing us to wonder who's future bump we'll be anticipating nine months from tonight.

Yes, Tim and Helena appear to have just rolled out of the sack...

But, I think Ben and Jennifer stand the best chance for Most-Likely-to-Get-Knocked-Up-Tonight.

Speaking of Ben Affleck: He wins my prize for Most Sincere Gratitude, which is nice to see in Hollywood.

Lastly, there's a bigger prize I have to award tonight.  My Best Overall goes to the adorable Quvenzhane' Wallis.  

She first wowed us on the red carpet with her gown chosen strictly on merits of fluffliness and sparkliness. (Not to mention her coordinating puppy dog purse.)

She then continued to entertain us throughout the night by cheering for herself at every mention of her name, showing off her muscles and all-in-all enjoying herself.  At nine years of age, she's the award show's youngest Best Actress nominee.  But, unlike many child stars who've come before her, she doesn't have that polished child-actress grace.  She's not overly-poised in her interviews.  She didn't seem to be reciting the words of her publicist all night.  She just came to have fun at an event that's meant to be fun.  Which is something that the stressed-out professionals four times her age seem to have forgotten how to do.

A fist pump for Quvenzhane'!  May your future be as sweet as your night was.  And, may your ego stay as grounded as Jennifer Lawrence's knees. ('Cause she fell down... did you hear?)

A Little Me Time

Sometimes, as a boredom deterrent, I have to create games to entertain myself with.  On a Saturday like today, which consisted of laundry, more laundry and not combing my hair... the game of the day is Song Titles for Narcissists.  

The game is simply played by taking song titles with the word "You" in it, changing the you to "I" or "Me" and then giggling silently to yourself.

Here's a few that I came up with:

• "Say Me, Say Me" (Lionel Richie)
• "All I Want is Me" (U2)
• "In My Eyes" (Peter Gabriel)
• "Thank Me" (Alanis Morrissette)
• "Nothing Compares 2 Me" (Sinead O'Connor)
• "Someone Like Me" (Adele)
• "Need Me Now" (Lady Antebellum)
• "Waiting for a Girl Like Me" (Foreigner)
• "F*** Me" (Cee Lo Green)
• "(I Just) Died In My Arms" (Cutting Crew)
• "Every Breathe I Take" I'll be Watching Me (The Police)
• "I Hate Myself for Loving Me" (Joan Jett)
• "I Can Leave My Hat On" (Joe Cocker)
• "Me and I" (Lady Gaga)
• "God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on Me" (N*sync)
• "I've Got It (The Right Stuff)" (New Kids on the Block)
• "Wish I Was Here" (Pink Floyd)
• "I Belong With Me" (Taylor Swift)
• "M.E." (Method Man and Redman)
• "Any Way I Want It" (Journey)
• "I'm Still the One" (Shania Twain)
• "The Way I Make Me Feel" (Michael Jackson)
• Guess we can throw in the unedited "Man in the Mirror" while we're at it.

And, my personal favorite:

• "I Like the Way I Move" (OutKast)

Well, that was fun.  Feel free to play along at home.  Now back to folding!

2013 Oscar Picks

Sunday night is the biggest night of the awards season, which mean it's time for my annual Oscar picks.  Not my predictions, but the pick of my personal favorites for each of the major voting categories.  (ie. I'll only mention the categories I actually care about.  Sorry, no technical award picks!)

Here we go:

Best Animated Feature: (contenders: Brave, Frankenweenie, ParaNorman, The Pirates! Band of Misfits, Wreck-it Ralph.)  Now, to be honest, I've only seen two of these nominees.  But, lets break this down logically.  Frankenweenie is a Tim Burton remake of a Tim Burton film, which no one seems to recall its existence in its original form.  Remakes don't fair well at awards time, or usually even get recognized as nominees.  But, again, since I didn't see it... I'm crossing it off of my list. Same goes for The Pirates! and ParaNorman.  Brave and Wreck-It Ralph were both enjoyable films, full of laughs and heart.  It's a close race for me but, being a sucker for all things Disney, I'll have to give my winner by a nudge to Brave.

Best Makeup and Hairstyling: (contenders: Hitchcock, Les Miserables, The Hobbit.) I'm not voting in this category because Lincoln wasn't nominated.  I can't believe the academy thinks that Daniel Day-Lewis is such an incredible actor that he physically willed himself into looking like a five dollar bill.  Marvelous acting, yes.  But, why not a shout out to the hair and makeup team for their bit of the credit?  No vote here. Well, fine... one vote for Les Mis.  Especially for Hugh Jackson's practically unrecognizable opening look.

Best Costume Design: (contenders: Anna Karenina, Les Miserables, Lincoln, Mirror Mirror, Snow White and the Huntsman.)  The two Snow White movies negate each other, so that narrows things down.  Yes, Mirror Mirror was colorful and memorably costumed, but I can't give any vote in any category for a film that was such a stinker.  (Except, for maybe "Least Believable Action Sequence".)  Period pieces always bode well in this category, which means good news for the other contenders.  I personally feel an extra edge should always go to anyone who gets to dress Helena Bonham Carter.  So, my pick, again, goes to Les Mis.

Best Supporting Actress: (contenders: Amy Adams, The Master; Sally Field, Lincoln; Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables; Helen Hunt, The Sessions; Jacki Weaver, Silver Linings Playbook.)  I swear, this isn't leading into a total Les Miserables sweep.  Amy Adams should, no questions asked, win an Oscar one day.  Just not this Sunday.  Jacki Weaver's nomination made me nostalgic for Melissa Leo's win for The Fighter. (There's just something about the family dynamic that David O. Russell films have the magic of creating. Sidenote: There needs to be an award for best casting.)  Nudity never seems to hurt a nominee.  Heck, it won Halle Berry an Academy Award! But, it's not Helen Hunt's year either.  Sally Field... ugh, I'm about to say something totally controversial here... but Sally Field, in every film I see her in, is just Sally Field in costume. There are certain actresses that have such a distinguishable speaking voice, that it's impossible for the audience to completely buy them as immersed into a character. No matter what period their character, no matter what accent they try coat over that voice, it's always just, "Oh, it's Sally Field on a surf board. Oh, it's Sally Field down South. Oh, it's Sally Field standing next to Spiderman. Oh, it's Sally Field in a very large dress in the 1860's."  Sorry, Sally Field!  (And, Winona Ryder, who also falls under this curse.) Which means, the Oscar goes to... Anne Hathaway in Les Mis! Anne risks the curse of being the obvious vote, causing voters to cast seemingly safe ballots for the underdogs, giving her an American Idol-style accidental upheaval.  But, c'mon... Have you seen her Fantine?  What a great example of a Disney kid gone right.

Best Supporting Actor: (contenders: Alan Arkin, Argo; Robert DeNiro, Silver Linings Playbook; Phillip Seymour Hoffman, The Master; Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln; Christoph Walz, Django Unchained.)  Alan Arkin is one of the greatest living actors.  I haven't seen Argo yet, though, so I'm not going to throw him any freebies.  Phillip Seymour Hoffman is your go-to indie guy, but he always seems to creep me out a little.  Acting, or just a natural trait fortunate for his craft? Christoph Walz is our latest imported award season darling, but he had his moment with Inglourious Basterds (my spell check hates that movie title!)... and I haven't caught Django yet, either. No freebies! I'll admit, Tommy Lee Jones had my vote locked after watching him Tommy-Lee-Jones all over the movie Lincoln. But, then I saw Silver Linings Playbook.  It's been so long since I've seen DeNiro play vulnerable, play tearful, play hysterical, play neurotic yet totally unaware of it.  Play real. This may be my vote for favorite DeNiro performance of all time.  In which, he also plays a thief... because he totally stole my vote from Tommy Lee Jones.

Best Actress: (contenders: Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty; Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook; Emmanuelle Riva, Amour; Quvenzhane' Wallis, Beasts of the Southern Wild; Naomi Watts, The Impossible.) Jessica Chastain is a great actress, but her acting in The Help was superior to what she did with her role in Zero Dark Thirty. If she couldn't pull off the gold for her superior supporting role, I don't think she should get the booby prize in a higher category.  Like, Amy Adams, I really believe Jessica will have her day. Again, just not this Sunday. I didn't see Amour, and sometimes age gets rewarded in itself.  That said, I honestly have a hunch that at least 50% of the Academy voters didn't actually watch every film sent to them.  If my hunch is correct, Ms. Riva (and her film) is out of the running.  It'd be fun to see little Quvenzhane' win, for novelty alone.  Maybe they can dig up a miniature Shirley Temple statuette to, at least, reward her yipping skills. ("BEAST it, Hushpuppy!" "Yip! Yip!") I've been yearning to see The Impossible all award season, but haven't had the chance yet due to its limited release in the Detroit area.  I won't be mad if Naomi wins, because the trailer alone sent my skin to goose-pimpling.  But, my official vote goes to Jennifer Lawrence.  Her "He's harassing me! He's harassing me!" scene alone is sure to be her official Oscar clip.  And, how many people can go toe-to-toe with DeNiro and make it look effortless?

Best Actor: (contenders: Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook; Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln; Hugh Jackman, Les Miserables; Joaquin Phoenix, The Master; Denzel Washington, Flight.)  This category is tearing me up inside!  I'll have to navigate this category by process of elimination.  Flight was released too early for award season, so it's the forgotten choice in all of its categories.  Sorry Denzel!  Joaquin is one of the greatest actors of my generation, but his disdain for awards shows likely causes disdain for the voters who want to reward someone who would actually appreciate a win.  Plus, his small film is likely one of the ones that those 50% of Academy voters didn't bother checking out. Leaving me with the trifecta that is currently giving me new stress lines on my brow.  Ugh!  My three favorite movies of the season and their lead actors that all impressed me with their new levels of talents revealed in 2012.  If I vote with my head, I'd go for Daniel Day-Lewis for doing something that no actor has ever been able to do, and what may never be able to be equally done again.  If I vote with my gut, I'd have to go with Hugh Jackman, who tore my innards to shreds with his portrayal of Jean Valjean.  Every beat, every syllable of his performance, flawless and drenched in raw emotion.  If I vote with my heart, come on...  Bradley Cooper as the emotionally unstable Pat Solitano.  I was left stunned by this, previously untapped, expression of his talent.  Raw, hilarious, emotionally bare... the most unstable character you'll ever find yourself rooting for.  Unhinged, pathetic and, yet at the same time, laser-sharp focused.  (Yes, we know you're contractually obligated to The Hangover III.  But after that, Bradley Cooper, we're now officially expecting more!) Ugh!  My head!  If they were all nominated in separate years, all three performances would be taking home the top prize.  But, since I'm not going with predictions, but my personal choices... I guess I'd have to vote with my heart on this one and go with the underdog.  Go Pat!  Er, uh.. Bradley!  I love that he made me leave the theater thinking, "I didn't know he could do that!"

Best Director: (contenders: Michael Heneke, Amour; Benh Zeitlin, Beasts of the Southern Wild; Ang Lee, Life of Pi; Steven Spielberg, Lincoln; David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook.)  Beasts of the Southern Wild was an interesting film full or great imagery and art.  But, way too many up-the-nose shots, which immediately took Benh Zeitlin out of my Best Director running.  (Oh, the little things that turn off a voter!)  I've already expressed my indifference towards Amour. A great film, I gather, but too depressing a subject matter for me to bear watching.  The remaining three all well-deserving in three different ways.  Ang Lee has found so many different ways define his role as film director.  You can't look at The Ice Storm, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Brokeback Mountain and Life of Pi and say, "Oh, that's stylistically so Ang Lee."  In fact, I'll bet many didn't realize that all four of those films even had the same director!  There's something to be said about pushing the limits of what can be done on film.  And so, there's got to be at least a mention for what was cinematically pulled off with this film. (Oops. Did I mention that, after The Impossible, Pi was my second biggest regret for not having seen it in time for awards season.  But, I've seen enough clips to know that there's no way this movie could have been pulled off in lesser hands.)  David O. Russell has certainly proved to have a way with family-strong dramedy that is becoming its own niche in his own rite, finding perfect balance in his ever-careful and tender hands. And, then we have Spielberg.  It's hard for me to go with the obvious choice in this category, but Spielberg is the king of creating Celluloid Wonderland. Largeness and intimacy somehow married together with perfect light.  Perfect color.  Perfect framing.  When Lincoln dons a blanket on his shoulders, I get cold.  When he crawls to the ground to scoop his son up, my knees creak.  On the battlefield I fear the saber, the rifle, the bowie knife.  I cringe in the theater (not this theater, that theater.)  I feel I too have a vote to cast in Congress.  How does he do this?  I don't know and neither do you.  So, we shower him with trophies.

Best Picture: (contenders: Amour, Argo, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Django Unchained, Les Miserables, Life of Pi, Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook, Zero Dark Thirty.) It's another toss up for my top three here. Les Miserable, Lincoln and Silver Linings Playbook.  I'll be equally satisfied if any of these win.  I'm just glad that 2012 had such high caliber films made that I've actually seen five of the top nominees and ran out of time to try and cram in the rest.  (Usually, I'm not even interested in five nominated titles!) It's nice to enjoy this awards season by having actual favorites to root for. What a great year for movies!  That said, I won't reiterate my praise that's already been mentioned in the categories above. I'll just blurt out the title of the movie I most enjoyed this year and that I'm most anticipating its arrival on DVD, so I can watch it over and over again.  My winner is...  Silver Linings Playbook. 

See you on the couch Sunday!

Fifteen Below

When I woke up this morning, the temperature with wind chill was fifteen degrees below zero.  This would cause most people to shudder and shrill with fear.  But, us Michiganders just head to the closet, pick out the extra layers, and resign to the fact that there will be a larger load of laundry this week.

There are some advantages to below freezing temps, however:

• You can grocery shop on your lunch break and not worry about leaving the frozen foods in the car.
• The dinner rolls you left in the car may be feesibly used as weapons if you're mugged in the parking lot later that night.
• You can seem really tough to your friends in warm climates when they complain about their 50 degrees on Facebook.
• You can finally take a short-cut across that pesky lake/pond/stream.
• The extra support from wearing two pairs of pants seems to relieve arthritis.
• You don't mind going upstairs at work for---otherwise pointless---corporate meetings. (Heat rises!)  I had one today.  Can't tell you what was on the agenda, but the second pair of pants were less of a necessity up there. Ahhhh...
• If you cross paths outdoors with a guy in a ski mask, you can jokingly say, "Don't rob me!" (mock-throwing up you hands, with a smile on your face.) This will catch him off guard just in case he was really going to.  If it turns out he's just cold, he'll simply think you're hilarious. Win, win!
• The outdoor crime rate drops tremendously.  Even gang-bangers would rather be indoors watching cable in this weather.
• If someone were to shoot at you, the gale force winds would probably redirect the bullets.
• Last but not least... the weather announcement the local news channel coined, "Cuddle Alert!"  (You're kids too old to snuggle these days?  Bet they're not too old to combat hypothermia!)

Cash reward, divided by three... carry the one, equals...

Alright, I do have one one last bonus bulletpoint:  Brought to you by my six-year-old nephew who simutaneously spotted an ice-fisherman and an Ice Rescue Station this weekend.  As I used the fisherman as an example to explain what each tool in the station was for, his major concern---were we to save the guy's life---was "What do we get?"  "You get to have saved a human life!"  "No, Kimmy... What will they GIVE us?"

Keep your eyes open.  There may be gold in them there fishin' holes for yer!  Stay cool.  Keep warm.  Bring your dogs inside.

Zero Dark Thirty

Ticked another Best Picture nominee off my list today.  Kathryn Bigelow's, long-awaited by me, Zero Dark Thirty.

Before I get to my review, however, here's a play-by-play of the equally entertaining pre-show.

(Scroll past asterisks if you just can't wait for it.)

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I, par for my reputation, stood in the shortest but slowest line for my ticket and popcorn.  Salted my purchase, hoarded a  sapling's worth of napkins and entered Theater Two, only to discover I had my pick of the completely uninhabited seats.  I chose a non-sticky one on the aisle about mid-deep and settled in.  

Shortly after, I hear two or three younger male voices settle in towards the back.  Five minutes later, hear an usher's voice asking to review ticket stubs.

He peruses the first stub, "Are you at least seventeen?"  I hear a, "No," answered back.  (Since when did teenagers lose their ability to lie?)  "You can't be in here without an adult if you're under the age of seventeen."  This conversation repeats itself twice more and I find myself alone again.  (Strangely enough, I had pulled my ticket as well, but nobody bothered checking it.  Or, my age for that matter.  Hmph!) 

Well, the act of pulling out my stub out led me to realize that the movie was to start at 2:40, not 2:20.  Geezo Petes!  I ventured to the lobby restroom to kill a little time and empty up for the 2.5 hour trip that has now become a 2.83 hour one.  Reentered Theater Two to discover the company of about eight or nine more patrons.

The most vocal of which had parked themselves across the aisle from where I'd left my coat.  A duo of eighty-ish white haired birdies, LOUDLY conversing about who has the better ear doctor.  "No, Gladys.  I go to the one on Inskster and Northwestern.  Don't you know EVERYBODY goes to that one!"  

Gladys: "Well, I have an appointment Wednesday at Dr. Shaeffer's."  

Gladys's friend:  "Everybody goes to my doctor.  My daughter had the Meniere's Disease. She's deaf now in one ear. Completely deaf!  And, Bob wears a hearing aid.  My mother did too.  Not that it runs in the family..."

Gladys: "Well, it DOES run in your family.  You don't hear well either!  So, what does your daughter do with her ear.  Wear a hearing aid?"

Gladys's friend: "No, Gladys!  She is completely deaf!  A hearing aid won't fix that.  You can't fix deaf.  And, YOU have hearing problems too!"

Gladys: "Well, we'll see about that on Wednesday."  (I then silently awarded the prize for Best Ear Doctor to neither's.)

Through the previews Gladys's friend delighted in the appearance of Robert Downey Jr., "Ooh. The Iron Man!"  As the feature begins, "Now, here we go!  This is history, Gladys!  You pay good attention!"  When the film snapped five minutes into it, Gladys got anxious. "What do we do?"  Her friend assured her, "Just sit here.  We'll let the people who got up figure it out.  The worst that will happen is they refund our money."  A mere 60 seconds passed before the movie was up and running again. 

I quickly absorbed into the story and nearly forgot Gladys's presence... but, was reminded once again during a water-boarding scene. "This is true, Gladys!  This really happened! This is what that Dick Cheney was all into..."  Sigh.

Now, onto what you all clicked this link to really read:  My review.

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I had read Mark Owen's No Easy Day last year immediately following its release.  This left me with an insatiable appetite to see the story set to film.

"Mark Owen" being the alias of one of the Seal Team Six members who penned the account of his early military life, leading into his career as a Navy Seal and ultimately into a play-by-play of the Bin Laden assassination. His rigorous training, camaraderie with military brothers, and the gut-wrenching danger of his many famous missions, controversially, all laid out to bare in this unique and riveting memoir.

I couldn't wait to see what Hollywood would do with an action-packed Seal-perspective version of the mission.  

But, in Owen's story there is a female CIA officer.  The one whose tireless work unearthed Public Enemy #1's location.  The one whose entire career was focused solely on this mission.  As I read, I thought to myself, "If they ever make No Easy Day into a movie, boy are they going to glam up this role and give it the Angelina Jolie treatment!"

But, they didn't make the No Easy Day movie.  Enter Kathryn Bigleow, Jessica Chastain and Zero Dark Thirty.  

There's nothing modern Hollywood loves more than a tough-as-nails heroine with a potty mouth that holds its own against any barking man in uniform. They took this character and ran with it.  But, this character isn't necessarily the one whose day-to-day work life you're dying to be a fly on the wall of.

The film wades through two full hours of CSI investigating and red tape before the final half hour of the actual mission.  Yes, this is the female lead's story.  She's not the one climbing mountains, offing bad guys in their sleep and zip-lining out of helicopters day into night, night into day.  She sits at a computer.  She has conference meetings.  She makes phone calls and performs interviews.  As far as what her story has to offer, Bigelow did it well.

By the time fictionalized Seals finally grace the screen, maybe thirty minutes before the movie's end, they come off almost puppy-like.  One Golden Retriever, one Shepherd, one Pit Bull, you name it.  All breeds represented.  Nothing but muscle and machine.  Big, brawny dummies.  Thick as boards, cocky and  licensed to kill.

The details of the military side of the mission and its preparations were just breezed past without care or explanation.  I wanted to start shouting out extra information I learned from the book to help the audience better understand.  "They built an entire replica of the compound for training! Complete with doors that swung in or out the right way", "That's just the perimeter gate they're at!  There's more door explosions to come", "That team was supposed to enter from the roof!",  "That was the courier they just shot!", "They thought the women would be wearing suicide vests. That's why they said that!",  "Nope!  That's just the brother!  Just you wait!", "They pulled DNA from the body too, you know.  Not just digital pics!", etc., etc., etc.

But, alas, Hollywood never did cherish its military as much as it did its spies.

I still think No Easy Day would have been the more interesting take on the assassination.  But, now that this version is out---and has even stolen bits of the book's dialogue---I doubt we'll see that day come.

Kathryn Bigelow is a wonderful director. The film is well-acted (at times, over-acted.)  And, the cinematography brilliantly finds beauty in otherwise unbeautiful locations.  

Is it worthy of its nominations?  Sure.  But, if you're anything like me, you may want to see Zero Dark Thirty first and then read Mark Owen's story to fill in the missing pieces.  You'll save yourself some frustration that way.

As for Gladys and her friend?  I can't tell you what they thought.  The ladies were finally stone silent by the time the credits rolled.  This could be a sign of awe.  Or, confusion.  Or, simply the midst of an elderly person's afternoon nap.

2013: Resolute

New Year's resolutions... Who's made them this year?

I don't make a habit of the annual tradition.  Every now and then I'll take the oath.  Life was in a bit of a tailspin last year, so I did it.

This year is starting much more on track, however.  So, rather than vowing any vows myself, I thought I'd assign a few resolutions to others instead.

Facebook friends:  I resolve, on your behalf, to give me one day's newsfeed free of gun control debate.  Pro, con... doesn't matter.  I'm simply asking for one day that my newsfeed remains entirely amusement only. 

Rihanna: Disable your Twitter account.  There's this thing called "oversharing" and it will haunt you twenty years from now.

Lindsay Lohan: Take what's left of your money and go to college.  Night school, not university.  No dorms, no parties.  Surround yourself with books and learning.  Converse only with the sober.  Avoid the camera lens with the determination of the Amish and the strength of an aborigine.  Shun your family.  Take one year to look at others without forcing them to look at you.

Psy:  Remember William Hung?  Us neither.  Count your money while following his footsteps.

Young Hollywood:  Film-makers and stars: You're funny without the "shock".  You can be provacative without the vulgar.  And, newsflash!  The f-word is not an adjective, it is a verb.  Using it 50 times per film in its unintended tense does not a comic make.  Be smart.  On your behalf, I resolve one PG film from Judd Apatow, Seth MacFarlane, Paul Rudd, Jonah Hill and Seth Rogan apiece.  Consider yourself challenged.  It will be the best work of your life!

Claire Danes: Just for kicks... a comedy.  I dare you!

Boo Boo Family (That's Honey's last name, right?): She's getting taller, older, less cute-little-princessy... Come up with a game plan. Stat!

Taylor Swift: For you, I resolve a one year dating fast.  There's a world of music beyond break-up songs.  And, I'm beginning to think a secret society's been created by the young men who've served as muse.  (Joe Jonas to Jon Mayer, "Only one song, John! Pfft.  I was inspiration enough for three!")  You're young,  talented, rich and beautiful. Best yet... for a star of your age, your reputation is still pretty much intact.  (For now.)  Be free!  Be otherwise inspired!

Glee: Spin off the New York storyline as was originally intended.  It's good, but it's different and needs its own vehicle.  The college scenes are draining the color, vibrancy and spunk out of the high school ones.  And, when did Glee suddenly become a small screen version of Center Stage?  More singing less dance class, please!

Bakers:  Find a new trend.  We already had cake, cupcakes, mini cupcakes, ice cream cake, cake with fruit, cake with filling and cakes unnaturally shellacked in fondant.  There was never really a need for cake pops, was there?

Zombies:  Die already!  Again.

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Mother Nature: A little tenderness this year?