All season long MTV's been hyping that a huge knock down, drag-out fight was impending between Ronnie and Situation on the Jersey Shore.
Yeah, so it just aired and I guess I must have missed it. I didn't leave the room or anything, so I don't know when I missed it. I saw screaming, forehead veins throbbing, Ronnie throwing furniture around (like usual), Sitch foaming at the mouth, then I saw Mike knock his own self out by banging his head against a concrete wall. He writhed on the ground a bit, then seemed to have blacked out. Suddenly, he creepily arose from the floor like a horror movie villain that refuses to die. The two then lunge at one another again, but the show's security team broke them apart before any punches were thrown.
During Sitch's "confession" scene he insults Ron's fighting abilities and proudly states that he didn't get a scratch on him. Totally ignorant to the fact that this is a TV show and there were cameras filming the whole thing. Yes, we saw you knock yourself out. Yes, we saw security intervene. Mike lives in his own reality. Fortunately for us, the editors are in on the joke. When he constantly denies having said things, then they'll play the denied quote on a loop three times straight.
Through the whole "fight" he acted like a man who knows he has no chance of winning, so his only defense is to act crazy enough to scare his opponent away. It's an obvious strategy that been used throughout the ages. Yet, when he admits this actually was his planned defense, Ronnie acts stunned. "Why would you do that? Ha ha ha!" Because that's how weak men have fought for centuries now.
I don't even know why I'm still watching this show. I hate drama, it gives me a headache. I hate sleazy behavior and think the show's a terrible influence on young teens. Maybe I watch it so I can be "in on" it and discuss it with my friends the next day. Maybe, because it's been more comic this year (seeing that since they've been filming in Italy and the guys are having a much harder time finding one night stands. Nanner nanner.) Maybe, because I desperately want to "fix" all of them so they can be normal functioning members of society.
Maybe if I can fix them, I won't have to watch them anymore. Worth a shot!
Here's my advice for fixing the cast of Jersey Shore:
Sammi: Shush. Yes, just shush your mouth. Don't nag. Don't whine. If you break up with somebody, you're officially giving up your right to nag them, control who they talk to and bring up the sins of their past. Once you're broken up, you don't need to remind that person of every wrongdoing from the past three years. Don't even look at him anymore. Don't get drunk and tell him you still love him. And, you probably shouldn't put yourself in situations where you're still required to live in the same house with him EVER again.
Ronnie: Steroids are bad. Stop using them and pretending it's mere Xenodrine. Stop after one drink. Two if it's your birthday. Stop throwing furniture, it's not a productive release of frustration. Once you're broken up with somebody, stop paying them any mind. Don't watch everyone she talks to and dream up what those conversations are about. You don't need to remind that person of every wrongdoing from the past three years. Don't even look at her anymore. Don't get drunk and tell her you still love her. And, you probably shouldn't put yourself in situations where you're still required to live in the same house with her EVER again.
J-Woww: You've actually become the "big girl" in the house. Good job on the monogamy. Good job with defusing fights and giving good advice. Good job on restraining from writing anymore anonymous letters. Just try not to go back to stirring the pot again. (And, thank you for letting us just call you "Jenny" now.)
Vinnie: Stop being a man-whore. You were so sweet the first season. Don't sleep with your roommates and confuse their emotions. They're women. No matter what they tell you, they care. It matters. It's always a big deal.
Paulie: Stop being a man-whore. You were so sweet the first season... Oh wait. Just keep up the comic relief. (P.S. This can be done without SHOUTING too, y'know?) And, maybe change up the "T" of your GTL routine to maybe an every other day type of thing. Orange forehead creases aren't this season's look.
Snooki: Stop drinking.
Deena: Stop trying to prove yourself as a cast member. You made it to your second season, you're in. You don't have to try to be what you think MTV wants you to be (ie. one of the guys, wing woman, bi-curious, sleazy drunk.) Unless this is just who you really are. In which case, CHANGE!
Mike (Situation): Quit expecting everyone to call you that ridiculous nickname. Your momma named you Mike, so you're just Mike. Quit trying to make drama with every single person who tries to be your friend. If this is truly entertaining to yourself, realize it is to no one else. Not your friends, not your viewing audience. Get a hobby. Don't wait to tell "secrets" to people until a camera is in the room. You know it's not a secret when you're televising it to an entire viewing audience. Quit telling lies. Quit trying to ruin everyone else's relationships/reputations with your little girl gossip. Quit hitting on your roommates. Quit calling yourself "The Leader" of the house ('cause you're not.) Quit trying to convince us you're cool ('cause you're not.) Quit trying to convince us you're hot. Quit trying to invent catchphrases. Quit trying to have any contact with women. You're sleazy. You're pathetic. Stop being... um... you. Pick someone else... anyone else. Be them instead.