Monday, August 22, 2011

RHONJ: What Happened to Teresa?!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  It's the only show in the Bravo Real Housewives franchise that I can still watch without a retching feeling creeping up in my throat.  Most everybody in the cast was friends or relatives before the show was put together, so the relationships aren't contrived.  It doesn't have new money pretending to be old money or any noticeable amount of manner-correcting.  It doesn't have an excess of plastic surgery victims, so you can still tell everybody apart.  The cast has wicked sweet accents and are mostly hilarious and up for a good time.  It has Caroline Manzo, whom I now crown the wisest woman on television (sorry Oprah!)  They've finally kicked off most of the "villain" characters brought in the boost the drama after they realized it wasn't necessary.  Everything was finally running smooth on the Turnpike... And, then, there goes Teresa! ("Cuckoo!")

What are you doing Teresa Giudice?  You used to be our favorite comic relief with your mispronunciations, your micro-diva kiddos and your talk of "bubbies".  They finally threw all of your enemies off of the show and, for some reason, you decided to fill that casting void yourself.

Yes, you're going through hard times.  Hard times don't always equal funny lines.  That Guido hubby of yours certainly has smudged the family name by racking up several lawsuits and causing financial heartache throughout the home.  He's a real crab-meister these days and I'm sure real headache to have around the house.  Yes, you wear your smile well to mask the stress.  But, there's not enough botox in the world to erase the look of stress that sits on your face somewhere above that smile.  It's okay!  We care! (Breeeeaaaatttthhheee...)

Everyone can sympathize with money troubles.  You had the prime opportunity to open up about this and confess the stress in your life, get it off your bubbies and maintain your title as Jersey's sweetheart. But, instead, you decided to misplace your frustrations on... let's see... everybody in your life!

Your heroic comeback with two best-selling cookbooks could have been a bonafide "girl power" moment, but you just turned it into an opportunity to cast unconstructive critique towards everyone else's talents and dreams.   The reconciliation with your brother's family was beautiful when you vowed "no more tit-for-tat."  But, you seem to still be forever tatting with nary a tit in sight! (Sounds weird, but rewind, I promise it makes sense.)  Your friends who you claim are your real family have been nothing but supportive, but you snipe at them in interviews and blogs.  If this is how you treat our friends, aye-yi-yi to your enemies!

Allow yourself to confide in your loved ones.  They're not all judging you.  Allow the haters to be the bad guys by keeping your mouth shut and providing no ammo.  Allow yourself to give others praise. Everybody needs the boost of having their talents recognized.  Write twenty more cookbooks if you like, but don't hate on everyone else who cooks well and has dreams. Share the girl power.  Let it multiply! 

Straighten up your act Teresa, because I don't want you to be the person who's scenes I use for potty breaks (ie. Danielle, Kim G, and now Ashley.)  I want to be able to enjoy the whole show again from Manzo to Guidice to Jorga.  We finally proved that the show works without a villain.  I don't want to have to lodge anymore complaints with the network.  Don't make me lobby for an all Manzo show!  Or, worse yet, emancipate little G-to-the-I-A and let her have her own spinoff as she leaves you like so-much-Hannah Montana.

Have a little lunch date with Dina (and can you bring her back to the show while your at it?)  Let her zen you out.  Give one compliment to Melissa and Kathy each time you see them without taking it back somewhere within the next conversation.  This is family, even when the cameras aren't rolling.  Yes, their motives are questionable, but when you talk behind their backs, so are yours.  Don't be that character!  We no likey.  Have fun with Jacqueline.  Listen to Caroline's advice without rolling your eyes. Go to the family cottage as much often as possible because it seemed to be a relaxing enjoyable place for you guys. Enjoy your girls while they're young, these are the memories they'll be growing up with.  Show them how to have their own goals, so they won't have to be caught up in their own husbands' dire straights one day. 

Do whatever it takes to get back to "Season One Teresa", the one that wasn't famous yet but was a heck of alot of fun.  Yeah, life is different now but don't let it harden you.  Mostly I beg, just please, please, please, please don't become the next Danielle.  I don't want to give up my last Housewives show and I certainly don't want to have to flip a table at you!

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