Oscar Mock Elections

Best dressed: Michelle Williams.  Thank you for wearing color.  And, a good one!

Best date: Busy Phillips dutifully accompanying best friend Michelle Williams through the last few awards seasons.  What better companion for a single gal than a funny BFF who can make you laugh to cut the nerves? 

Most over-exposed: Angelina's drumstick.  Since it naturally wouldn't hang out of the massive slit in her Versace gown on its own, she was forced to perform miraculous feats of the hip all night in order to display her naked thigh.  Would like like fries with that, Ms Jolie?  No, really... you should have some!

We've Never Seen You Like This, But We Like It Award: Jessica Chastain.  (You weren't the only one with two films up for Best Picture, Brad!)

Best Caped Crusader: Gwyneth Paltrow (also winner for Most Sensible.)  The red carpet microphone-shovers all commented on what a chilly L.A. night it was... and then proceeded to slam every woman in long sleeves.  Gwyneth found an appropriately chic middle-ground without having to wait for some gent to offer his tux jacket.

Most flattering: Octavia Spencer in Tadashi Shoji, again.  Proving if it ain't broke, don't fix it.  Now if she could teach that woman in the pantsuit, behind her, a little something about flattering poses...

Prettiest Sheepdog: Ellie Kemper.  Some fashion critics loathe when red-heads dress in the same hue as their locks.  Yes, I prefer it when she wears azures and teals, but I still thought she looked beautiful. (Even more so if she would have had her hair dresser snip her bangs that morning...)

Most Befuddling: Where's Chris?  Anna Faris was repeatedly featured on the red carpet, but she was hardly there to promote House Bunny!  Her cutie-pie husband, Chris Pratt, costarred in a Best Picture nominee (Moneyball) and I don't remember seeing him at all until the boring after-show (that I ended up switching off and going to bed during.)  And, even then, only from afar and with no mention of him, just more talk of wifey's Liza dress.  Oy!

The "I'm Calling These Tuxedo Boots for the Fancy Cowboy" Award: Brad Pitt

The "Thanks, But I Brought My Own Trophy" Award: George Clooney

Most Annoying Moment: The absurd Sasha Baron Cohen (in costume as "The Dictator") spilling "Kim Jong Il's ashes" down the front of Ryan Seacrest's suit and all over the red carpet. 

Further Annoying Moment: Ryan's pansy whining about it for the rest of the evening.  Way to prove to the world why he picked his target!

 Best Presenter of the Night: Emma Stone joking with Ben Stiller about needing to add some gimmicks into their presentation for Visual Effects.  Leading up to my Favorite Unspoken Moment of the Night: Jonah Hill's silent decline to come up onstage to dance with her.

Second Best Silent Moment

Worst Silent Moment: The Artist sweeping way too many top honors away from my faves.  I'm sure I would have adored it if I'd seen it, but half of last night's speeches I needed a translator for... and, sadly, one was not provided. (Five second delay allowing for subtitles next time, Academy?)

Memorable Unsilent Moment: Cymbals have got to be one of the most annoying instruments ever invented.  But, I did get a giggle out of watching Brad Pitt's hair flow in the breeze of them.

Funnier than Crystal Award: Chris Rock.  Sorry, Billy!

 Favorite Win: Octavia Spencer for The Help.  I was rooting for her or Jessica Chastain. They both did a marvelous job in it.  And, it's so nice to see a truly grateful winner.  (Who also thought she might have fainted when her name was first called?  I couldn't tell if she was caught up on her dress, or if she was just going down.  Kudos for pulling it together!)

 Best Speech:  For proving that she gets it... but she's still got it!