Girl Talk: Brought to You by Little Boys

Today's kiddie conversation in the car turned romantic when the ten-year-old asked me this:

10YO: "Kimmy, can I ask you something?"

MY THOUGHT BUBBLE: "Uh oh..."

MY ACTUAL WORDS: "Of course."

10YO:  "Should I be mad at my best friend if he likes the same girl that I like?"

ME: "Well, if this girl is nice enough that you think she's great... chances are there will be other people in the world who think she's nice too. You can't expect to be her only friend."

10YO: "No, Kimmy.  I'm not talking 'friends'.  Pacifically..."

ME (a.k.a. Grammar Police, coming in quick with the cut-off): "...Pacifically's not a word. 'Specifically'..."

10YO:  "Specifically, what if he like-likes her too?"

ME: "Well, how about you all have fun together at recess? There's no reason you can't both think she's nice and all be friends. There's nothing wrong with that.  That's all you guys should be worrying about at ten years old."

He then launches into the whole story that his other friends think he should be mad at the best friend and think they should be fighting. This girl makes him laugh, this girl makes the friend laugh.  But, everyone else thinks the friend is trying to "steal" her from him.

ME (Now playing the role of 'GIRL POWER'): "Steal her?!  Girls aren't property and she doesn't belong to either of you!  You can all be friends and make each other laugh. You guys are ten-years-old!  It's not like anybody's getting married anytime soon!"

10YO:  "Married?!  You're thinking of like-like-like. I'm talking like-like, here..."

ME: "Oh brother!"

His verbal weighing of the right vs. wrong of the situation went on and on for a few more minutes that I, quite frankly, started to tune out of.

There was some more, "Everybody says this..." and "I think that..."  But, then he brought me back with the statement, "Well, I guess I wouldn't turn on my best friend. As a matter of fact, I'd DUMP a girl for my best friend!!!"

ME: "Now we're dumping people?!  I don't like that kind of talk!"

[Cue our little six-year-old punchline, chiming in from the back seat]:

6YO: "I dumped a girl once."

ME: "Oh, really..."

6YO:  "Yeah.  And, I mean I literally dumped her.  Right into the trash can!"

Let's check our Final Scorecard: 

10YO = +1 best friend, -1 girlfriend; 

6YO = +1 zinger; 

Me = Exasperated X 2.

Things the World Can Shut Up About Any Time Now

Here is a list of things I'm officially tired of hearing about at the moment:

Gabby Douglas's hair:  Gabby Douglas is a beautiful, extraordinarily talented girl.  So why the fuss over her hair?  I'm tired of hearing mothers, who pay exorbitant amounts of moolah to have chemicals drenched and a weave sewn into their  own young daughters' hair, criticizing the care and keeping given by our national hero's mama.  Her hair is, yes, relaxed and then pulled into a bun when working... like every other gymnasts' on earth.  Then, off duty, she wears the exact same hairstyle as my own teen-aged niece.  So the real question is, You got a problem with my niece's hair?   

 

Miley's hair: I absolutely love Miley Cyrus's new hairdo!  It suits her face, it suits her personality and it definitely suits her age.  So why do I keep reading headlines of shock and awe about whether there are deeper issues involved in this celebrity's haircut?  The world has no control over any one person's personal style choices and the sooner the world realizes this, the happier I'll be.  She is not really Hannah Montana!  And, besides, *secret to be spilt* Hannah Montana wore a wig.  I tried a very short hair cut myself in my twenties, the best time to experiment with extreme fashion.  I even tried to frost it to this shade of platinum, but mine turned out yellow instead.  Shocked?  Nope.  Jealous?  Absolutely.

Lindsay Lohan. Period.: Once upon a time, I watched Freaky Friday, Confessions of Teenage Drama Queen and Mean Girls so many times with my niece that I couldn't even venture a guess at the tally.  She was such a promising young actress at the time and then something went slightly off kilter.  The world took notice, then something went drastically wrong.  The world, then, never stopped paying attention, perpetuating a spiral that apparently was never to be recovered from.  World: Please, stop looking at her.  It's the only cure.  (Remember Speidi?  No?  Good.  See, my theory is now proven.)

Passive/aggressive Facebook posts featuring unsolicited parental advice: We get it, we get it... you're a good mom or dad.  No one doubted you. No one needed proof.  And, certainly no one wanted advice that didn't ask for it.  You see, being a good parent isn't a rarity.  Most parents I know are pretty great at it.  So, quit assuming you're way is best when most other parenting styles are working just as effectively.  Don't expect the world to praise you for refusing to vaccinate.  Don't expect a trophy for forcing your child to go vegan.  And, the world will absolutely not be throwing a banquet in your honor because you chose to breastfeed until the age of five.  The sooner you realize this, the sooner friends will start "liking" your statuses again. 

 

The chemicals I may be ingesting, at my own will, as a grown human being: Going along with the previous category; I myself don't need advice about my own diet either.  I have been eating meat, dairy, processed foods, carbs, preservatives and additives my entire life.  And, guess what?  I have my doctor's seal of approval!  If a number skews ever-so-slightly in a worrisome direction upon any visit, we make the appropriate dietary adjustments to correct and move on.  So, while I salute your self-control and your acquired taste for foods that taste like yard grass, while I tolerate your tolerance to ingest a product with the word "germ" in its title... I am uninterested in participating.  I eat, not for political or social agenda, but to stay fueled and living.  Seeing that I'm upright at the moment, breathing and typing... it appears that my way works too.  (Remember: It's your b.m.'s that are unusual in color and texture, not mine.)

Your political convictions: Newsflash! Your offensive critiques, exhausting Facebook rants and "clever" memes have yet to sway a single soul.  Yes, you're passionate.  You have your convictions.  But, guess what? We all do!  And, they're rarely identical.  That's why we show up at those polling stations with the little walled off booths that make one's vote private and sacred.  The way they were meant to be.

The designer names of your attire: When you're talking about your shoes, they're not your "Jimmy Choos", they're your shoes.  When your putting on your jacket, your not putting on your "Burberry", it's simply your jacket to rest of the world.  When you're digging through your purse, you're not digging through your "Louis Vuitton", it's just a bag, for the love of Pete!  If you feel the need to turn every label into a noun, think long and hard about why you feel the need to do that and then be very sad with yourself.  If you, then, still feel the need to pronounce your "Gucci"s, I'll give you a head start while zip up my Gaps and lace up my Targets.

More "Normal" Talk: Who Needs Lasers Edition

It's Sunday so, of course, I found myself in the company of my brother's kids again which, of course, found us in the car at some point which, of course, once again led to silly little boy talk.  (It's better than the radio on a good day.  On a bad day, not so much.)

We were driving down a country road as Fourteen-year-old Sister blissfully watched the scenery of pretty houses go by and began to describe her own dream home.  This led Ten-year-old (previously referred to as "9YO" but, he just had a birthday, so you'll have to adapt) to ramble on about his own dream residence. (Funnily enough, each of their dream homes have only one bedroom.)  Which left the coda to this fantasy-spilling session to the six-year-old (yes, previously "5YO" and also with a recent birthday.)

"I just want a normal house.  Normal normal normal.  One bedroom, one bathroom, one kitchen and one laser to keep the bad guys out."

You could almost audibly hear him ponder whether or not a house with the security of a sizzling laser-zapping system was allowed under his definition of "normal", so he quickly corrected himself:

"No, wait.  No laser.  Just a normal house with one bedroom, one bathroom and one cat.  If a bad guy comes in I'll just ask him, 'Will you please leave now and stop terrorizing my cat?' If he doesn't listen I'll give him one knuckle.  If he still doesn't listen I'll give him another knuckle.  If he still doesn't listen it's a knuckle to the balls and then I beat him up." (five second pause) "Oh.  And, I'll have one dog too."

The price of admission to my Trailblazer has just gone up.

Not Normal

The fifteen minute drive between my brother's house and mine turns out to be the ripest setting for amusing conversations between my nephews, ages five and nine.

Today's was no different:

9YO: "When I grow up, I'm going to have five jobs. 1.) a D.J. I'm going to look so cool! I'll have awesome sunglasses, you know? The kind with the stripes. I'm going to wear a green jacket and have ginormous headphones, 2.) a zookeeper, 3.) a paleontologist, 4.) a fifth grade teacher and 5.) Ummm... a mega party animal, I guess."

5YO: "I'm going to be a gator wrestler when I grow up."

9YO: "No!"

5YO: "Yes. I'm going to have one job.  Wrestling gators and I'm going to wrestle them down!"

9YO:  "Well, when you die from a gator attack, I guess I'll see you at your funeral!"

5YO:  [thinks it over for another moment or two] "No.  Never mind.  I'm just going to be normal.  No wife.  No kids.  No job.  Normal."

ME:  [finding the perfect timing to interject with a teaching moment] "No, no, no... Normal people have jobs."

5YO:  "Fine.  I'll have one job, but no wife.  No girlfriend.  Just normal."

9YO:  "Don't you know that normal people are the most boring thing in the world?!  If there's one thing this family is not, it's normal.  We're too hyper.  We're not boring, we are not normal.  Normal people just sit up straight and watch way too much TV with either a dog or a cat sitting next to them.  Boring!"

5YO:  "Yeah, you're right.  Normal people are pretty boring.  That's not us.  We have fun."

9YO:  [launches into a three-minute diatribe against the lameness of normalcy and ends it with...] "Kimmy?"

ME:  "Yes?"

9YO:  "Just so you know, you don't have to worry... we're not talking about you.  You are NOT normal."

ME: "Thanks?"

9YO: [stares out the car window, watching the traffic going by and seeming content with his speech for the moment.  Then he dreamily footnotes:] "Normal people have the nicest cars."

"No Offense!"

I have a five-year old nephew who thinks "I'm sorry" is a get-out-of-jail-free card.  He thinks he can punch his brother, kick his sister, slap anyone's face and not get in trouble because, "Well... I said, 'I'm sorry!'"

It's not uncommon to hear a thud coming from the other room, instant tears accompanied by an "I'm telling!" that's very quickly followed with an "I'm sorry!  It's okay. I'm sorry!"  It's also not uncommon for me to enter the room as a slap-down is in progress, meet eyes with the five-year-old slapper and still have him play his card once it should be too late.  "I'm sorry!" he tosses out to his nine-year-old brother whom he's just publicly walloped.  Nine-year-old brother looks at me and tosses out an equally hasty, "It's okay, I forgive you."  Fake hugs are the next order of business and they think this means all is well.  Yes, he may forgive you, but it's not okay!

I don't know if I'm more perplexed by the logic of the apologizer or the forgiver in this scene.  That is, I was perplexed until I learned older brother's new piece of rationale.  The phrase "no offense" has entered his fifth grade vocabulary.

He uses his get-out-of-jail-free card as a means to criticize everyone's weight, looks, intelligence or natural body odor and thinks he can cash in our forgiveness by prefacing the whole insult with a "No offense, but..." 

Only someone with the audacity to say such things as, "No offense, but your armpits smell like toothpaste." and "No offense, Kimmy, but I weigh 70 pounds and you weigh a thousand times more than me." (Oh yes! Real life examples!) would have the same reasoning to forgive someone as they are simultaneously pounding in his solar plexus.  Maybe he's just laying the groundwork for a "No offense, but you're a big-headed buttface" that he knows he'll be dishing out within the hour.  Who knows!

I hope I've effectively used this weekend to clear up that once a bad deed is done, sorry or not, it is still wrong and there will still be punishment.  And that, if you feel the need to say "no offense" before making a comment, it's probably a comment left best unsaid.

Now if I could just remove the word "sexy" from the five-year-old's vocabulary. As in:

5YO: "There are three Japanese girls in my class.  They all love me and they are all SEXY!"

Me: "What?! What do you know about sexy?"

5YO: "I'm telling you, these girls love me and they are [in a creepily sing-songy voice] sex-y!!!"

Me: "That's the most inappropriate thing I've ever heard!"

5YO: "But, they are!"

Me: "That is not a word for kids. I don't want to hear of it coming out of your mouth again until you're at least twenty!  And, not even then!"
5YO: "I'm not lying.  They are sexy and HOT!"

Me: "That's gross.  No five-year-old is sexy!"

5YO: "It's okay.  One of them is six!"

No offense, but I foresee the principal's office calling next school year with a complaint that "I'm sorry" won't be good enough to fix. Sigh...

Things I Overhear: "Nakie Men" Edition

I overhear alot of things when shopping at Target.  It is my favorite discount chain.  And, since they started carrying groceries a few years back, I now find myself there at least once a week.

In visiting so frequently, I tend to overhear many things.  Newly cohabitating couples, grocery shopping together for the first time, deciding how on earth to make dinner for two.  Babies alerting their parents that they've been shopping too long.  One-ended sides of cell phone conversations.  Mothers demanding, "Put that back!"  Kids pleading, "But, I really really need it!"

Today's ditty was overheard over the tops of the shelves and took place one aisle over from where I shopped.  I was in the feminine hygiene aisle (don't snicker, we're all grown-ups here...) and we all know which product is kept one aisle over from feminine hygiene.

Little Girl:  [apparently looking at some sort of product packaging]  "Ew mommy, why is that guy naked?!"

Mom: [half listening] "Hmmm..."

Me: [in thought, and catching on quicker that Mom] Oh goodness, that little girl's first trip through the contraceptive aisle.

Little Girl:  "He's naked mommy.  Tee hee hee."

Mom: [paying better attention now] "What?  Oh... put that back!"

Me: [in thought] Don't shop for condoms with your kid, lady!

Little Girl:  "I can't believe this guy is naked.  Why in the world would he be NAKED???"

Mom: "Come over here by me."

Little Girl: "Hee hee.  He is sooo nakie!"

Mom: "Shhhh...

Little Girl: "But, he's NAKIE!!!  WHY would he be NAKED??  Hee hee hee hee."

Me: [In thought]  For goodness sakes, get that kid out of there before her innocence is stolen and lost for good!

Mom: [Obviously embarrassed now and sounding as if she's finally decided to shuffle along]

Little Girl: [Manages to blurt out, while being dragged out of the aisle] "I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY HAVE NAKIE MEN HERE!"

And, away they finally go.

Being the good blog reporter that I am, I decided to coast my cart over one aisle to see what all the fuss is about.  (They sell first aid in that row too, y'know. Who's to say I'm not shopping for Band-Aids?)

I round the corner and, lo and behold, what lay before me?  Three full shelves of nakie men!  From the waist up, that is.  With towels around their bottom halves.  Clutching their backs, as if in pain.  With an odd rectangle of white slapped onto their backs.

Yes.  The poor little girl's innocence was taken by the IcyHot medicated heat patch display.

I'll give her another month or two before her radar kicks in.  That's when she'll turn around, discover the other side of the aisle and really come up with some extra loud questions to embarrass her mother with.

Until then!

2011 Highlight Reel

What can I say about 2011?  It started out as one of the happiest years ever and ended with merging crap-storm upon crap-storms, all combining to create one giant fecal tornado.

They say the Lord never gives you more than you can handle, and I know that this is true.  He's proven it to me time and again.  It's just sometimes I wish He'd let me rest in my 2010-level of strength for a little while longer because, most days, I feel just about growed-out.

Although 2012 brings with is alot of uncertainty (and uncertainty is not my specialty) I know the Lord is laughing to Himself right now because He knows all the answers to the mysteries that lie ahead.

On this last day of the year I will try my darnedest not to let job-stress, health-stress or all-around-grumpiness taint my memory of the almost late, great, 2011.

After all, we did have all this fun:

Polar bear water ballet:

Communing with nature:

Foot-fishing (A hobby to be categorized under "Things Only an Aunt Would Let You Do"):

Fundraising Fun:

March of Dimes - March for Babies

New found appreciation for sports I thought I loathed:

Animals!  Animals!  Animals!

Dinosaurs!

 Dinosauria @ The Detroit Zoo

Cranbrook Institute of Science

Enjoying our favorite staycation spot over and over and over again:

 The Henry Ford

 Loving more of Michigan:

 Which includes bridges...

 ...boats...

 ...roadside Americana...

 ...rickety attractions much too high up in the air...

...all worth it to get this image of my nephews in print.

And a whole bunch of good ol' fashion family fun:

As, I bid adieu (ie. "good riddance") to 2011, I'd also like to thank you all for supporting An Aunt's Life this past year.  It's been another highlight to add to my reel and I wish you all blessings in the coming new year.

May the Lord be my rock in 2012 and my family be my happy pill.

Thankful

It's the day for giving thanks!  I was completely prepared to do that, but then my stomach became too hungry to function.

Let's try it anyways.  A little dip in blood sugar can't do that much damage.

I'm thankful for my family.  Large on both sides.  (In number not proportion, come on now!)  For cousins who are like siblings and for siblings who are like friends.  For my mom whose hip is healing right on schedule.  And, for my dad (even though he is currently in a "people are coming over!" tizzy.)

I'm thankful for my last living grandparent "Grandma Great" who is turning 92 tomorrow.  And, I'm even more thankful that the strange dream I had the other night of her and my grandpa (who passed away nearly 20 years ago) wasn't an omen.  In my dream she had brown hair and was giggling, so happy to be with him. I thought it was a sign of their heavenly reuniting.  What a relief that we didn't get that call that morning.  And, I'm super thankful I have no powers of premonition.  (The tip off should have been that, in my dream, they were also on the lam from the law.  Bonnie and Clyde style.  They fled to my house and I fed them pudding.)

I'm thankful for my job, even though I may complain about it to some extent the other 364 days of the year. Having a job in Michigan is truly something to be thankful for.

I'm thankful for the invention of Ebay, which through its wonders I obtained the shirt I'm currently wearing for about five bucks.  And, also the sweater I wore the other day with the $60 price tag on it, for $7.99.

I'm thankful for the invention of Facebook, for giving me a way to catch up with long lost friends and family,  minus the cost of airfare, hotel fees and long-distance phone bills.  Sometimes you don't realize how much you've missed people, until you find yourself clamoring for a status update.

I'm thankful for Blogger and all of you readers for allowing me the creative outlet that my brain has been starving for.  I'm especially thankful when you click "funny", "cool" and "interesting".  (But, a little less thankful when you click "weird".)

I'm thankful that after thirty-seven years of wishing, I'm finally getting to enjoy a Thanksgiving ham today.  Which makes me a little extra thankful for my younger sister who is preparing it for us and that she isn't absent, sick, lazy or otherwise unable to cook it.

I'm thankful for my Lord and Savior, without whom my stubborn heart wouldn't even have the ability to be thankful.

And, I'm thankful for those eight little rugrats who rule my heart.  I'd have less gray hair and a lot more money in my bank account without them, but I wouldn't make that trade for anything in the world!  For they're the ones who have given me my "Aunt's Life". ♥

My Favorite Places: Detroit Zoo

If you haven't been to The Detroit Zoo since your second grade field trip because, back then, it was referred to as "The Smelly Zoo", you're doing yourself a great injustice.

Things have changed in the last couple decades, big time!

The chimpanzees and gorillas now have a huge free-roaming exhibit of their very own. No more cages with bars and one tire on a rope to share.  You can circle the entire exhibit offering several vantage points of your choosing.  In increment weather all simians can be found inside the ape house, which is much larger building than the one from our youth.

The polar bears are no longer housed in those small pitted habitats where you may remember having tossed marshmellows to them thirty years ago.  They have their very own "Arctic Ring of Life" these days.  A wonderful exhibit featuring arctic foxes, seals and polar bears.  The highlight of the Ring exhibit certainly being the Polar Bear tunnel.  I'll warn you, you have to have awfully good timing to catch a polar bear swimming.  There's no set time or weather conditions that prompts them into the water. We've seen them in the Summer, Winter, afternoon, feeding times, non-feeding times. It's all just a matter of luck!  But, if you are able to catch one, I promise it will be one of the most majestic scenes you and your child will ever see!  The tunnel is worth a visit any day, though, because the seals are always swimming full time.  (But, no more feeding marshmellows to the animals.  The zoo has all beasts on strict diets these days!)

The lions have the newest of the improved exhibits.  There's no longer a pit dividing you and these predators.  You can actually stand this close to the Kings of the Savannah:

In the past, a visit to the lions would usually only offer one of the following options: 1.) Watching the lions sleep.  Zzzzzzz... or 2.) Watching a lion pace back and forth, looking bored and wearing a tread in his cement trail. 

Not anymore!  The new opportunity of grass and space has made the lions awfully frisky!

And heated rocks near the glass lure them closer than ever during nap times.

There's a brand new carousel located between the fountain and the main restaurant.

Dinosauria rolls into town most summers, bringing you nose to nose with your favorite extinct creatures.

And there's still a few of the classic exhibits left that will conjure up nostalgia from your younger days.  Giraffes in Egypt anyone?

Peacocks still run wild.

And, who remembers this guy?

I should also stress once again that the zoo is no longer smelly!  It hasn't been for decades!  It's clean and beautifully landscaped now, so stop killing its rep.

It's open year-round and always worth a visit any season.  In the summer the sprinklers and misting stations are running to keep you comfortable:

And, the winters here are great fun too! 

In fact, the Winter time is the best time to see some of the animals who thrive in the colder weather.  If you're a red panda fan, like myself, the winter is usually the one time you will see them romping around on the ground.  In the warmer months they hide up in the tree tops or are off exhibit all together.

Any of the other Asian animals are also very active during this time, such as the snow monkeys and Siberian tigers.  There are plenty of indoor exhibits as well, offering plenty to see including this additional unique feature to your wintertime visits, the giraffe house:

Close enough to marvel over her eyelashes!  The rhinos and lemurs also have indoor exhibits you can visit this time of year.  And, don't forget the reptile, amphibian and butterfly houses. The beautiful Ford Education Center is always worth a peek.  Step inside to warm up and use the newer restroom facilities.  (The Ford Center also has one of the few working drinking fountains during the winter time.) The building also houses a 4-D movie theater, the Wild Adventure ride and art and photography exhibits year round.

If you live within a reasonable drive to Royal Oak, I would also suggest you consider purchasing a zoo membership.  It's not only a great way to support the zoo program, it's also a great investment for family fun!  Annual prices start at $38 for an individual membership.  If you visit three times or more a year, any membership package pays for itself!

So what's left to stop you from visiting now?  Come on by!  You'll probably see me there, because you know I'm a member.  And, don't forget to take a picture by the polar bear fountain before you leave. It's a time honored tradition!

"We don't smell a thing!"