2013 Year in Review

Best Of, Worst Of... what's the diff?  

This is An Aunt's Life's 2013 year in review!

(Click links for more)

IN MUSIC:

• Macklemore (and that guy he hangs out with) winning up a storm at this year's awards circuit. The music world was primed and ready for a fresh-voiced M.C. who treasures his thrift shop wares over the other guys' iced-out bling. (Did you catch the E! special featuring another peek at the rapper with the softer side?  In it, Mackelmore treats his future mother-in-law to a surprise home makeover. Adorable!)
• 2013 was my introduction to the always suave Robin Thicke (Also the world's introduction to Blurred Lines: Cosby Edition.) Hey hey hey!
• Miley Cyrus helped us all sharpen our comedy skills while she poked out our eyes with her tail bone. Simultaneously, she managed to leave a snail trail of saliva across the nation to which a large enough stockpile of Clorox wipes has not yet been found to reverse the effects. (Maybe they'll work on my eyes, though...)
• Justin Bieber finally jumped the shark. (Oh great! I just gave him another idea, didn't I?)
• Jared Leto's (sorry... Thirty Seconds to Mars') cover of Rihanna's "Stay".  A great way to listen to a good Rihanna song without having to actually listen to Rihanna. (Alright, you caught me. I liked her version too.)
• Will.i.am sues Pharrell Williams over his "i am Other" brand. I picture next year's turf battle to be Marshall Mathers vs the "My Name Is" badges at Office Max. Stickers, you're going DOWN!

ON TV:

• Always late to the party, I finally got into Breaking Bad during its final season. I thought it was on HBO! I don't have HBO! I finished up season five with the rest of the planet (leading into what was, arguably, the best series finale in television history) and I've enjoyed binge-watching its past seasons ever since.  Yes! I fit five seasons of TV-watching into one calendar year. What did you do?
• After a growing annoyance over the terms "granite countertops" and "stainless steel appliances", I finally managed to find a group of women snobbier than the young housewives on House Hunters. The middle-aged housewives buying vacation homes on House Hunters International! Quit looking for an American kitchen in a non-American home! Like you're really going to be cooking a full Thanksgiving dinner once a week in the Caribbean!
• Bates Motel was a perfect mesh of creepy, intrigue, drama and fabulous acting. And I don't even like scary stuff!  Catch up on season one before the next season begins in 2014. (P.S. Wahoo to Vera Farmiga and her Emmy nomination!)
• I got conned into watching David Blaine: Real or Magic? in which he pierced a knitting needle clean through his own tricep and threw up a belly full of water. Thus, answering the title's pressing question.
• Cell phone advertisers stepped it up a notch this year with hilarious bits from the kiddies pushing AT&T. (In my opinion, the red-headed kid from the turtle one and the young lass whom I'm deemed Werewolf Girl should start traveling with an entourage. Of adoption agents. Because I want to own them!) The James Earl Jones and Malcolm McDowell spots for Sprint also scored big with me. Totes magotes.
• Glee's farewell to Finn episode nearly killed me. Providing me with instant onset depression and a crying headache that lasted for days!

• I'm not much a fan of country music or soap operas, yet Nashville managed to still get me thoroughly hooked. Besides. Who can resist the real-life Stella sisters!
• Louie C.K.'s hilariously truthful rant on cell phones (and kids, and life, etc.) on Conan was worth staying up late for.
• Under the Dome won me over just in time for the Time Warner/CBS dispute that took it off the air. (Thanks to modern technology, we could still watch it here!) If you can't get into the plot, you can at least play my Spot the Killed Off/Canceled Actor game. (Head start: Hank from Breaking Bad, Deputy Shelby from Bates Motel, Lt. Mason from Detroit 187, the original Victoria from Twilight...)
• ABC Family canceled Bunheads, whose young dancers decided to handle it like the pros that they are.
• And, for the Detroit locals, Ben Bailey left the Fox 2 morning team. Leaving me still longing for my forecasts, handsome with a chance of dimples.

IN MOVIES:

• Frozen. So, I may be a little behind on my yearly Oscar nominee binge. Maybe, all the way behind.  As in, I haven't seen much (any) grown-up stuff (like, at all!) this year, but have caught plenty of cartoons with my nephews. Either way, I would still highly recommend Disney's newest animated film Frozen to anyone. I loved it. Little girls all fell in love with the newest princess characters. My nephews loved the humor and bits of action. It was a win-win-win all around. BEST Disney animated princess movie since Beauty and the Beast. I'll stand by that, too!

CAST REUNIONS THAT MADE US FEEL OLD:

School of Rock (10 years! Really?!)

Mystic Pizza

Boy Meets World

Freaks and Geeks

The Sandlot 

Wayne's World

Full House.  Not just here, but...

...Kimmy Gibler and D.J. Tanner were also spotted at a NKOTB concert together!

And then there's also the complete possibility that this is going to happen!

ON THE WEB

• This year I quit Candy Crush. Cold turkey.  (But, may find myself in need of a Papa Pear Saga support group in 2014.)
• Pinterest. Where had you been all my life while I busied myself on Facebook? Sorry to have ignored you for so long. Equally inspiring and enabling. I demand that you all now follow me here.
• Two words. Christmas Jammies. Love it or hate it, it happened and it's stuck in your head now, isn't it? Mwah-ha-ha-HA!!!

• Dance battle in Detroit. 
• Dinovember. Read it. Live it. Be it!
• Best reasons for detention. They really are.
• What did the fox say? Certainly not that!
• This blog brought in new readership with the continuously curious mix of search words including "Charlie Brown Violet Brat", "Fancy Comforters", "Garfield Halloween Cartoon Scary" and the ever popular "Meth Mouth" still being used. (I also hit over 7,600 page views and counting this year. Thank you muchly!)

LET'S LEAVE IT BEHIND IN 2013:

• Hot Dog Leg pics. Let's pretend these never happened.
• Twerking.  Saying it, watching it on YouTube and, for heaven's sake, actually doing it! Let's just stop all of the above in 2014.
• Michael Bolton hustling for Honda. At first, I was like "Awww... I didn't realize that I'd missed Michael Bolton." Then after hearing it air every 20 minutes or so, non-stop, I decided that maybe I was just thinking about Office Space.  (Okay, fine. This one is better than that one if I have to choose.)
• Real Housewives. All of them!  Bravo has created a monster and now that monster must be slain.
• The Harlem Shake. It doesn't even have moves! C'mon on now. Learn to dance a little bit next year. Especially if you're going to record yourself doing it and post it everywhere. Even if it's just a little left-together, right-together. If that's the best you can muster, I'll take it over a Harlem Shake!
• Celebrating train wrecks. Miley, Lindsey, Amanda Bynes, Kardshian marriages... let's stop looking at them. Let's revere the nice people instead of the shallow, and encourage the struggling instead gawking at them.
• Kardashian overload. Take your Kanye and go!
• Saying "totes" instead of "totally", unless you're a distinguished man over the age of 70.
• Every word that my spellcheck did not accept from this post: "bling", "twerking", "Miley", "Bieber", "Kanye", "countertops"... huh?... wait, "Macklemore", "Facebook", "NKOTB". Maybe I should rethink this last bulletpoint.

Have a happy, healthy and safe New Year!  If you need a ride home tonight CLICK HERE and request one. Please don't drink and drive! It's just not cool.

Selfie Confessional

There's nothing more hilarious and head-shake-worthy than seeing a young person post one of those duck-faced selfies online.  Posted with the impression that the world will come to the obvious conclusion that they are so very sexy and mysterious. 

The giggling over-30s in the audience are amused by the fact that they look more silly than sexy and less mysterious than, well... somewhat congested and constipated. But, we let them have their fun.

Why?  Because, apparently, once we start cleaning out old picture files from our own hard drives, we also find ourselves in danger of unearthing some pretty embarrassing shots we'd forgotten about. (Yes, we.)

Some appear to be attempts at updating our profile pics, shots in the car are obvious results of our lunchtime boredom and there are usually several folders labeled "Test" which accumulated after we broke two, yes TWO, cameras in the span of 2011. (I'm still sticking with "we" here, folks!)

The glaring difference is that adults takes selfies for strictly grown-up purposes:

Because our caring Facebook friends would never forgive us if we let a sunburn go undocumented.

Because toenail polish changes are a must for the family album. We need at least 20 of these per year.

Because the world has no idea how adorably casual we look when reading privately in the backyard in our LBDs.

Because we grown-ups understand that a mirror alone can't be trusted when figuring out a new haircut.

Because sometimes we have to selflessly document dye jobs for blog posts.

Because sometimes we need proof that we're still as cool as the people on our t-shirts.

Because we secretly buy real fox tails up north on vacation and we'd like to keep the un-P.C. secret between us and our hard drives.

Because no one's going to honestly tell us that we don't look cute when scrunching up our noses.  We have to take one of these to find out the truth.

Because every adult is curious how their crow's feet hold up in EXTREME CLOSEUP.

And, because we're finally at that age where we actually are too sexy for the shower curtain.

2013: Resolute

New Year's resolutions... Who's made them this year?

I don't make a habit of the annual tradition.  Every now and then I'll take the oath.  Life was in a bit of a tailspin last year, so I did it.

This year is starting much more on track, however.  So, rather than vowing any vows myself, I thought I'd assign a few resolutions to others instead.

Facebook friends:  I resolve, on your behalf, to give me one day's newsfeed free of gun control debate.  Pro, con... doesn't matter.  I'm simply asking for one day that my newsfeed remains entirely amusement only. 

Rihanna: Disable your Twitter account.  There's this thing called "oversharing" and it will haunt you twenty years from now.

Lindsay Lohan: Take what's left of your money and go to college.  Night school, not university.  No dorms, no parties.  Surround yourself with books and learning.  Converse only with the sober.  Avoid the camera lens with the determination of the Amish and the strength of an aborigine.  Shun your family.  Take one year to look at others without forcing them to look at you.

Psy:  Remember William Hung?  Us neither.  Count your money while following his footsteps.

Young Hollywood:  Film-makers and stars: You're funny without the "shock".  You can be provacative without the vulgar.  And, newsflash!  The f-word is not an adjective, it is a verb.  Using it 50 times per film in its unintended tense does not a comic make.  Be smart.  On your behalf, I resolve one PG film from Judd Apatow, Seth MacFarlane, Paul Rudd, Jonah Hill and Seth Rogan apiece.  Consider yourself challenged.  It will be the best work of your life!

Claire Danes: Just for kicks... a comedy.  I dare you!

Boo Boo Family (That's Honey's last name, right?): She's getting taller, older, less cute-little-princessy... Come up with a game plan. Stat!

Taylor Swift: For you, I resolve a one year dating fast.  There's a world of music beyond break-up songs.  And, I'm beginning to think a secret society's been created by the young men who've served as muse.  (Joe Jonas to Jon Mayer, "Only one song, John! Pfft.  I was inspiration enough for three!")  You're young,  talented, rich and beautiful. Best yet... for a star of your age, your reputation is still pretty much intact.  (For now.)  Be free!  Be otherwise inspired!

Glee: Spin off the New York storyline as was originally intended.  It's good, but it's different and needs its own vehicle.  The college scenes are draining the color, vibrancy and spunk out of the high school ones.  And, when did Glee suddenly become a small screen version of Center Stage?  More singing less dance class, please!

Bakers:  Find a new trend.  We already had cake, cupcakes, mini cupcakes, ice cream cake, cake with fruit, cake with filling and cakes unnaturally shellacked in fondant.  There was never really a need for cake pops, was there?

Zombies:  Die already!  Again.

.

Mother Nature: A little tenderness this year?

Daytime TV

If there's one thing about unemployment that I simply cannot get used to, it's daytime television.  I've learned to make a habit of not turning on the tv before 5 pm, lest I sorely regret it. (Unless I'm catching a 3 pm viewing of Anderson. My one exception!)

The last time I enjoyed daytime tv, my age had a one in the tens column.  I'm convinced anything airing before the primetime news is solely directed to either the preschool or retiree set.  Somewhere along the line daytime talk shows have switched their theming from "talk" to "accuse". ("You are NOT the father!")  The allure of a full hour of paternity tests times five days a week is beyond me.  Soap operas don't catch my attention and watching court room shows is out of the question because televising petty claims always was and remains to be, well... petty.

These are the last shows I remember enjoying pre-suppertime:

Mr. Dress Up: Much superior in my mind to Mr. Rogers or any mister residing on Sesame Street.  There was something about Mr. Dress Up that made me unable to miss an airing (even reruns!) How he got his name, I don't know.  I can't even recall him dressing up that much!  Sometimes, yeah.  But, not enough to warrant a moniker.  I do remember alot of craft times, singing, stories and most importantly puppet shows with my favorites: Casey and Finnegan!  I had convinced myself the first two children I bore would be named Casey and Finnegan.  Seeing that I'm pushing forty and still childless, I have now convinced myself that Casey and Finnegan would also make excellent cat names.

Mister Rogers Neighborhood: Oh yes, Mr. Dress Up was superior, but that doesn't mean I didn't stay tuned for a trip to the Land of Make-Believe afterward.  Mr. Rogers was kind and gentle enough.  His voice was very soothing and there was an odd comfort in watching him change from his blazer to his cardigan (Not to mention the suspense of waiting to see if today would be the day that he finally drops his shoe during the theme song's toss!)  But, each day I was basically tolerating the science talks, factory tours, story times and postal visits; all in anticipation for that model train to come whistling through the hole in his living room wall. Yes!  It's Land of Make-Believe time!  The Land of Make-Believe was basically just a bunch of cardboard sets where the neighborhood puppets resided.  Again with the puppets!  I must have had a thing for paper mache' as kid!  If they ever revived any of these shows today, they'd have to add a heck of alot of felt to the characters as not to scare off the children.  The Land of Make-Believe puppets were pretty creepy-looking in retrospect. Especially that crabby lady who wore way too much blush.

Today's Special: Mannequin that comes to life after store hours.  No, not starring Andrew McCarthy... just some goofy Canadians whose names are long forgotten.  I don't remember much.  Just that they'd always get some visitors busting in on their skits (who must have been real slick to get into the mall that late at night and manage to give the security guard the slip.) And, there were probably some creepy puppets too, seeing that the show managed to capture my interest for very long. "Hocus pocus alimagocus!"

Polka Dot Door: "♫The Polka Dot Door. The Polka Dot Door.  Let's peek through the Polka Dot Door, for songs and stories and so much more. [ding dah-ding dah ding ding] The Polka Dot Door.  This is the time we always say, get ready, get set for [fill in the blank] Day.  We'll sing some songs, we'll pretend and play... so come in! The polka dot way.♫"  That's all I remember of the show, but it sounds like a bit of singing, pretending and playing was involved.  (Sidenote: I'm thoroughly convinced I could write a children's theme song after reliving that masterpiece.)

Now, onto the game shows.  Game shows aren't a hot commodity these days, but in the 70's and 80's boy did people get excited for the chance to win a couple hundred bucks.  Remember the days when you didn't get to carry your cash home from a Wheel of Fortune taping?  No!  They forced you to spend those winnings in their own revolving housing goods store where, anyone stuck with a remaining $100 and no furniture left to buy, would be forced to waste that last C-note buying an unwanted ceramic dog (who's value I'm sure was much less than its price.)

The Price is Right: I was hardly in charge of the household grocery shopping when elementary school aged, but that didn't stop me from trying to price household items along with the televised contestants.  Plinko and the big wheel spins were the best parts of the show.  (Maybe because I sucked at pricing household objects, considering the dollar/week allowance I was hardly budgeting well at that age, and these two games were strictly games of chance.)  I never understood how people could accurately price the huge prize packages at the end of the show without going over and be correct within $1,000.  Prices of cars, vacations, appliances and campers were totally beyond my scope of knowledge.  But, it was exciting to watch and made me think becoming a spokesmodel (minus the speaking) was a totally plausible career goal.  Why, I could shift my weight to the right leg while sticking out my left knee and simultaneously wave a hand up and down the contours of a Fridgidare.  Easy peasy!  How much do these girls make? (Bob Barker would have also been happy know that all of our family pets had been spade or neutered.)

Card Sharks: This was my absolute favorite of the game shows, which is hilarious because I can't even remember how it was played. I just knew that jokers were wild (no matter how creepy I thought they looked, you actually did want a joker card!) and that shouting out "No whammies!  No whammies!" was the Card Sharks equivalent to Wheel of Fortune's "C'mon big money!" chant.

Which leads us to the world of talk.  I watched Rolanda, I watched Sally Jessy and, yes, I even watched Jenny Jones.  But, in the mid-eighties a new host came onto the horizon and quickly climbed the ranks of talk royalty. 

Yes, and then there was Oprah! (Did you think I was going to say Montel?!) 

I don't know what it was about The Oprah Winfrey Show that superseded all other talk shows of the day.  Before she was a household name, men usually mispronounced her name as "Ofrah".  And, before all of the celebrity connections and favorite things, she started out just interviewing regular folk like you and me.  Maybe it was that she could calmly mediate between the most controversial of enemies or that she had the stones to let the KKK on her show and patiently let them speak their ignorance.  Maybe it's because she was unashamed to cry for her guests and unafraid to speak the horrors of her own past, if she thought it would touch one soul.  Maybe it was her humor, her spunky pal Gail or that she was somehow able to grab that coveted interview that no other host or reporter had a chance at.  Whatever it was, she set a new standard.  Yeah, she got a little high on her horse and big for her head for awhile there.  I hated when her audience decided she'd reached guru status and began treating her like a deity.  But, she was the best and I even enjoy catching her Next Chapter interviews every now and then.  There is only one Oprah and there will never another one like her. (Although, that Ellen is pretty good.)

Well, I've pretty much convinced myself that anything worth watching during daylight has either been canceled or become no longer suitable for my age range. Which is just as well, because I have enough distractions from productivity from blogging and Facebook alone! 

Besides, who can sit inside watching the tube when it's 2:15 in the afternoon, eighty degrees out and there's birdies chirping?  Thank God there's nothing good on tv!

Resolution

Now that I've made my new year's resolution, I'm finding it harder and harder to blog and update Facebook.  I resolve the same thing almost every year; to be nicer, less judgmental, to block out gossip and to try to say something positive when a conversation turns negative.

This year's difference is that I made this resolution in December, back when I was still lying sick in bed feeling as if death became me, and I found myself in a week-long bartering session with God.  "Why am I not getting better?",  "No one else's illness is lasting this long?",  "Are you trying to teach me something?",  "What did I do?",  "I will be faithful like Job, but do you realize I feel like I'm dying?", "Alright, if you heal me I promise I'll really try to be a nicer person."  And, then I started to heal.

Yeah, so this trade was intended to impact only my personal sphere of human beings... But then, by default, I found that each time a celebrity would go and do something dumb/weird/gross/off-the-wall, at the point that my snark usually kicks in, I'd run to update my FB status and find myself not being able to hit the "Enter" key.  I've literally gotten as far as typing out a hilarious comment (that was sure to get at least ten likes and five LOLs) and then found myself at the mercy of an immediate spiritual twinge that took control of my arm and made be hit the backspace key.  Delete.  Delete.  Delete.

Oh boy.  Celebrities are people too?  I'm screwed.  I even willingly let my People subscription run out!  I even skipped The Soup AND E's Fashion Police this week!  I even felt sorry, when flipping past one of those Kardashian shows, for Kim and her romantic codependency condition!

I guess my resolution has just taken on new life this year, when elevated from just a good thought to an actual promise.

There are a few other things I've learned in the last year that I like to try to carry in to the new one:

• Stress is unavoidable, only the way you choose to handle it is in your control.
• It's okay to watch only comedies if that's all you're in the mood for.  There's no need to force yourself to sit through any form of entertainment that scares you, depresses you, grosses you out, makes you feel weird inside, makes you cry when you're not in the mood for tears, or anything else that seems like a waste of your time or that just isn't your cup of tea.  No matter how many awards it may win one day or how many friendly recommendations you've been given.  This goes for music, books and tv too.  Sorry, American Horror Story!  No offense, Girl with the Dragon Tattoo!
• Fresh air is like nature's vitamin supplement.  Be sure to inhale a recommended amount daily.
• Too many months of glasses wear has officially killed my vanity.  I don't even do my hair every day!  (Yes, I comb my hair everyday.  I just throw it in a ponytail much more often.)  Makeup, also, has become strictly optional.  Not sure if this is a good or bad thing yet.
• I have finally reached the point where I can honestly say, "Okay, I really do own enough clothes."
• I tried some new foods and didn't like them.  The curiosity is over and I never have to eat them again.  At least I tried!
• Go to the doctors while you still have insurance.

I thought the biggest challenge of 2012 was going to be wading through that puddle of job stress.  I'm now beginning to think it might actually be finding ways to make you guys LOL, without compromising my resolution.

Cheers to my trying!  Hang in there with me!