Would-Like-to-Do-tions

I'm not a resolution kind of gal.  I'm not into making promises that I don't intend to keep. The Bible says that God delights in those who keep their promises (Proverbs 12:22), so I've always been a woman of my word. Of few words. Of very few promised and spoken words. 

If I ever make you a promise, know I've thought it through carefully and take it uber seriously. (With an act of God clause attached, of course.) It's nice to delight the Lord and others. It's not so nice to fake out.

Therefore in 2014, I resolve nothing. I see everyone posting their vows today and it's all very inspiring. So in substitution, I'll instead announce my Would-Like-to-Do-tions for this year:

• Follow the THINK rule (above) more often before speaking. Stop trying to convince myself that "is it funny?" is one of them. If there were an F in think, it'd be fink. Don't be one!
• Blog more. BOTH blogs. People are forgetting that I know more than just the state of pop culture.
• Sew more. The Christmas gift rush of quilts was back-breaking work, but satisfying. Practice makes perfect. One day the binding will come out even and the quilt-stitching free of lumpy seams!
• Taper off on the holiday feeding frenzy. More protein, less carbs. And what is a hypoglycemic doing with all of those sugary snacks? No wonder I'm feeling so lop-sided and sleepy. Nightly nacho snacks are also a holiday binge. There's no holidays left this season. Cut it down to maybe 2-3 times a week.
• Exercise more. Because everybody says this. And, let's face it, I need to.
• Go see a couple movies. Award season is upon us.
• Save my way closer to home ownership. I'd like to finally see if all of this stuff can fit into one place.
• Even though I've been scratching and saving, I should allow myself at least one vacation this year. Even if it's just a weekend trip. Even if it's just one county over. Responsibility is making me a little stir crazing.

Wait! I do have one resolution I know I can follow through on and that I am not ashamed to solemly vow for fear of punking out later:

• I vow to trim my bangs. They are starting to get in my eyes.

Happy 2014! Make it true. Make is helpful. Make it inspiring. Make it necessary. Make it kind. (And, maybe a little bit funny too...)

2013 Year in Review

Best Of, Worst Of... what's the diff?  

This is An Aunt's Life's 2013 year in review!

(Click links for more)

IN MUSIC:

• Macklemore (and that guy he hangs out with) winning up a storm at this year's awards circuit. The music world was primed and ready for a fresh-voiced M.C. who treasures his thrift shop wares over the other guys' iced-out bling. (Did you catch the E! special featuring another peek at the rapper with the softer side?  In it, Mackelmore treats his future mother-in-law to a surprise home makeover. Adorable!)
• 2013 was my introduction to the always suave Robin Thicke (Also the world's introduction to Blurred Lines: Cosby Edition.) Hey hey hey!
• Miley Cyrus helped us all sharpen our comedy skills while she poked out our eyes with her tail bone. Simultaneously, she managed to leave a snail trail of saliva across the nation to which a large enough stockpile of Clorox wipes has not yet been found to reverse the effects. (Maybe they'll work on my eyes, though...)
• Justin Bieber finally jumped the shark. (Oh great! I just gave him another idea, didn't I?)
• Jared Leto's (sorry... Thirty Seconds to Mars') cover of Rihanna's "Stay".  A great way to listen to a good Rihanna song without having to actually listen to Rihanna. (Alright, you caught me. I liked her version too.)
• Will.i.am sues Pharrell Williams over his "i am Other" brand. I picture next year's turf battle to be Marshall Mathers vs the "My Name Is" badges at Office Max. Stickers, you're going DOWN!

ON TV:

• Always late to the party, I finally got into Breaking Bad during its final season. I thought it was on HBO! I don't have HBO! I finished up season five with the rest of the planet (leading into what was, arguably, the best series finale in television history) and I've enjoyed binge-watching its past seasons ever since.  Yes! I fit five seasons of TV-watching into one calendar year. What did you do?
• After a growing annoyance over the terms "granite countertops" and "stainless steel appliances", I finally managed to find a group of women snobbier than the young housewives on House Hunters. The middle-aged housewives buying vacation homes on House Hunters International! Quit looking for an American kitchen in a non-American home! Like you're really going to be cooking a full Thanksgiving dinner once a week in the Caribbean!
• Bates Motel was a perfect mesh of creepy, intrigue, drama and fabulous acting. And I don't even like scary stuff!  Catch up on season one before the next season begins in 2014. (P.S. Wahoo to Vera Farmiga and her Emmy nomination!)
• I got conned into watching David Blaine: Real or Magic? in which he pierced a knitting needle clean through his own tricep and threw up a belly full of water. Thus, answering the title's pressing question.
• Cell phone advertisers stepped it up a notch this year with hilarious bits from the kiddies pushing AT&T. (In my opinion, the red-headed kid from the turtle one and the young lass whom I'm deemed Werewolf Girl should start traveling with an entourage. Of adoption agents. Because I want to own them!) The James Earl Jones and Malcolm McDowell spots for Sprint also scored big with me. Totes magotes.
• Glee's farewell to Finn episode nearly killed me. Providing me with instant onset depression and a crying headache that lasted for days!

• I'm not much a fan of country music or soap operas, yet Nashville managed to still get me thoroughly hooked. Besides. Who can resist the real-life Stella sisters!
• Louie C.K.'s hilariously truthful rant on cell phones (and kids, and life, etc.) on Conan was worth staying up late for.
• Under the Dome won me over just in time for the Time Warner/CBS dispute that took it off the air. (Thanks to modern technology, we could still watch it here!) If you can't get into the plot, you can at least play my Spot the Killed Off/Canceled Actor game. (Head start: Hank from Breaking Bad, Deputy Shelby from Bates Motel, Lt. Mason from Detroit 187, the original Victoria from Twilight...)
• ABC Family canceled Bunheads, whose young dancers decided to handle it like the pros that they are.
• And, for the Detroit locals, Ben Bailey left the Fox 2 morning team. Leaving me still longing for my forecasts, handsome with a chance of dimples.

IN MOVIES:

• Frozen. So, I may be a little behind on my yearly Oscar nominee binge. Maybe, all the way behind.  As in, I haven't seen much (any) grown-up stuff (like, at all!) this year, but have caught plenty of cartoons with my nephews. Either way, I would still highly recommend Disney's newest animated film Frozen to anyone. I loved it. Little girls all fell in love with the newest princess characters. My nephews loved the humor and bits of action. It was a win-win-win all around. BEST Disney animated princess movie since Beauty and the Beast. I'll stand by that, too!

CAST REUNIONS THAT MADE US FEEL OLD:

School of Rock (10 years! Really?!)

Mystic Pizza

Boy Meets World

Freaks and Geeks

The Sandlot 

Wayne's World

Full House.  Not just here, but...

...Kimmy Gibler and D.J. Tanner were also spotted at a NKOTB concert together!

And then there's also the complete possibility that this is going to happen!

ON THE WEB

• This year I quit Candy Crush. Cold turkey.  (But, may find myself in need of a Papa Pear Saga support group in 2014.)
• Pinterest. Where had you been all my life while I busied myself on Facebook? Sorry to have ignored you for so long. Equally inspiring and enabling. I demand that you all now follow me here.
• Two words. Christmas Jammies. Love it or hate it, it happened and it's stuck in your head now, isn't it? Mwah-ha-ha-HA!!!

• Dance battle in Detroit. 
• Dinovember. Read it. Live it. Be it!
• Best reasons for detention. They really are.
• What did the fox say? Certainly not that!
• This blog brought in new readership with the continuously curious mix of search words including "Charlie Brown Violet Brat", "Fancy Comforters", "Garfield Halloween Cartoon Scary" and the ever popular "Meth Mouth" still being used. (I also hit over 7,600 page views and counting this year. Thank you muchly!)

LET'S LEAVE IT BEHIND IN 2013:

• Hot Dog Leg pics. Let's pretend these never happened.
• Twerking.  Saying it, watching it on YouTube and, for heaven's sake, actually doing it! Let's just stop all of the above in 2014.
• Michael Bolton hustling for Honda. At first, I was like "Awww... I didn't realize that I'd missed Michael Bolton." Then after hearing it air every 20 minutes or so, non-stop, I decided that maybe I was just thinking about Office Space.  (Okay, fine. This one is better than that one if I have to choose.)
• Real Housewives. All of them!  Bravo has created a monster and now that monster must be slain.
• The Harlem Shake. It doesn't even have moves! C'mon on now. Learn to dance a little bit next year. Especially if you're going to record yourself doing it and post it everywhere. Even if it's just a little left-together, right-together. If that's the best you can muster, I'll take it over a Harlem Shake!
• Celebrating train wrecks. Miley, Lindsey, Amanda Bynes, Kardshian marriages... let's stop looking at them. Let's revere the nice people instead of the shallow, and encourage the struggling instead gawking at them.
• Kardashian overload. Take your Kanye and go!
• Saying "totes" instead of "totally", unless you're a distinguished man over the age of 70.
• Every word that my spellcheck did not accept from this post: "bling", "twerking", "Miley", "Bieber", "Kanye", "countertops"... huh?... wait, "Macklemore", "Facebook", "NKOTB". Maybe I should rethink this last bulletpoint.

Have a happy, healthy and safe New Year!  If you need a ride home tonight CLICK HERE and request one. Please don't drink and drive! It's just not cool.

Melting Snowmen Cookies

The most fun I've had so far this holiday season was making the melting snowmen cookies that I found on Pinterest. (Sorry family, that not a slam to any gathering we've had so far...)

I made up instructions based on Pinterest pics I'd seen of the finished product.  Since others have been looking for the "recipe", I figured I'd write out the instructions for you all here today:

What you'll need: 1.) Sugar cookie dough (or ingredients if you're showing off), 2.) White cookie icing, 3.) Colored decorating frosting. I used red and green for the scarves and black for the face, buttons and arms. Most important is that you choose a black frosting that comes with a fine tip; 4.) Large s'more-sized marshmellows.  That's it!

Step One: Make your favorite sugar cookies. From scratch, break-off, cut-off, doesn't matter. You're going to impress people with your hilarity here, not your baking skills. I used the Pillsbury break-off kind. If you go that route, please realize that the cookies, as they're packaged, will be too small to accomodate the giant marshmellow. My pack came with 24 cookies. I cut 8 in half and rolled together 1.5 precut cookies to form a new, larger, dough ball for each. (Rolling the dough in a ball will also make the finished product nice and round.) For those fractionally impared, that will give you 16 finished cookies.

Step Two: Heat up the cookie icing following the directions on the back.  I used Wilton's 10 oz white cookie icing tube, which was exactly enough for my 16 cookies. Once cookies have cooled, start squirting! I went haphazard style on my first few, but then realized that crossing back and forth in a flower-like or star pattern caused the glaze to melt as nicely as melting snow. You don't have to overdo it either. Don't try to cover every inch of the cookie. Once you've drawn your pattern, the blank spaces fill in quite nicely since this is more of a glaze medium we're working with. You'll see the spots you'll need to fill in within seconds. Don't waste your glaze! And, for heaven's sake, don't just frost the cookies all the way across like you normally do. These snowmen are dying and it has to be hilarious! If they don't carry the Wilton's (or a similar product) in your area, I'd recommend making your own glaze and using a pastry bag for application. If you use cake frosting from the can, you won't get the same effect. Don't say I didn't warn you!

Step Three: Add the marshmellow quickly, before the glaze sets. The glaze serves as the adhesive to keep your marshmellow on.  These snowmen may be dying, but let them die with the diginity of having their heads attached.  Don't place the marshmellow in the center, either. Put it more toward one edge so you can draw the body later on.

Step Four: Go to town!  Wait, put the car keys down. Stay in the kitchen. That was just an expression meaning "Start having fun!" Draw the scarves on first. I used Wilton's icing in red and green that comes in the aerosol cans. I used the leaf tip for a more scarfy effect. Next draw the face, buttons and arms. (Don't forget the expressiveness of eyebrows!) I used some sort of black sparkle gel frosting that came in a little tube for this. It was the only kind of black icing I could find this time of year. Think ahead at Halloween time if you'd like more black decorative frosting options and buy early.

Step Five:  Think of the children. I was having a grand ol' time make devastated-looking Frosties, but then I remember Frosty.  And, all the kids that will be at the party I'm bringing these to. And, how they might begin to cry when they see I've baked Frosty after he'd already escaped from that evil magician. So I added a few smiley faces. Some snowmen like the sun! (See the movie Frozen for reference.) They think melting is quite ticklish. Smiling cookies are for the children. (Except maybe the one above on on the right. He appears to have suffered a gunshot wound to the head, due to icing not being my best medium.)

Step Six: Have a jolly holiday!

Christmas Confessions

It's finally that time of year where we can begin to enjoy our yearly Christmas traditions.

However, since ours are quite typical, I thought I'd talk about some Christmas annoyances/confessions today instead:

• As touching as "The Christmas Shoes" song is supposed to be, I just find it depressing and have to quickly plug my ears and run anytime I encounter it in public.
• Whenever I hear the Jackson 5's version of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" I can't help but picture Joe Jackson open-hand slapping Katherine on mere speculation.
• I've never seen It's a Wonderful Life, never plan too. Sorry, it looks boring. Double-sorry, James Stewart's voice can only be stood in few sentence intervals.
• Despite its catchy the melody, "Baby It's Cold Outside" is really quite rapey in lyric. And, a tad hostagey too. (Men, no matter how cold it is outside; if your date asks to leave, you are not permitted by law to hold her against her will.)
• The more technologically advanced the world becomes, the more archaic Santa's methods begin to seem to me. Sleigh travel is so old school. (Can reindeer-power really compare to jet-power?) Toy-making elves seems a little bit sweat-shoppy. And, with all the world-wide courier services available online, there just seems to be no need for all that breaking and entering.
• "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" is quite possibly the rudest song ever composed.
• I watch Meet Me in St. Louis every Christmas Eve, even though I enjoy the Halloween scenes much more than the hallmark scene of Judy singing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas".
• Everyone goes mad for Black Friday sales, that have the same price cuts as Cyber Monday, whose deals are quite comparable to the Two-Weeks-To-Go! sales, which are basically the same as the Christmas Eve, last minute closeouts. Bah, Christmas shopping!
• There were two too many installments of The Santa Clause movies made.
• White Elephant gift exchanges: Make it stop. Nobody wants to find a place for this crap once they get home!
• I always found Ralphie's dad in A Christmas Story to be totally creepy and could never understand how his wife can bring herself to sleep in the same bed as him.
• When I saw little Ralphie all grown up in Vince Vaughan's Wild West Comedy Tour film, I developed a little crush on that towhead.
• I have no idea what figgy pudding is, even though I loved singing about it as a kid!
• How is it that Macaulay Culkin managed to clean the house so immaculately and finish every home repair before his parents got home? And, why on earth did he not feel the need to tell his parents about that little ordeal that happened while they were gone?! I guess the police were so amped to have caught the Wet Bandits that they didn't realize it was an unsupervised minor filing that report.
• The original Simpsons Christmas special still makes me laugh. #ouchquitit
• People who stress over the word "Holiday": Quit trifilin'. (And, read this.) 
• I love love love the Charlie Brown Christmas special and have to watch it at least once a year, but I secretly go into OCD mode when: 1.) the heavy snowfall suddenly stops as Charlie walks away after the catching-snowflakes-on-their-tongues scene. It's so obvious the cartoonists simply tired of drawing white polka dots; 2.) Lucy's "The Dr Is Real In" sign changes margins and spacing twice in that scene. The words are printed in three rows, then two rows, then three rows again... which is a real shame because it looked more pleasing to the eye in two rows; 3.) those little girls running around in their bare legs in the snow. Where are their mothers?! 4.) learning the hard way that mimicking the twin girls' moves in the dancing scene is likely to give you whiplash; 5.) realizing what a brat Violet is and being secretly satisfied that she'd probably be faced with cyber-bullying charges in this day and age; 6.) I can't understand why they would cast the role of a shepherd's wife in the play, when there are clearly no shepherd's wives hanging out in the sheep fields in the Nativity story; 7.) Schroeder is such a music snob; 8.) Charlie's tree magically gains branches and needles the more ornaments they cram on it. It's like blue security blankets were the mid-century's answer to Miracle Grow; and 9.) the gang is singing "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" at the end and they tip their heads back further than a human neck should go.  I know, I know... they're cartoon characters, but I don't enjoy looking up their nasal canals.
• Candy canes taste gross.
• I am writing this post to avoid wrapping presents.

Enjoy your Christmas everyone!

And, once you air your grievances, take some time to remember the true Reason for the Season. 

2013: Resolute

New Year's resolutions... Who's made them this year?

I don't make a habit of the annual tradition.  Every now and then I'll take the oath.  Life was in a bit of a tailspin last year, so I did it.

This year is starting much more on track, however.  So, rather than vowing any vows myself, I thought I'd assign a few resolutions to others instead.

Facebook friends:  I resolve, on your behalf, to give me one day's newsfeed free of gun control debate.  Pro, con... doesn't matter.  I'm simply asking for one day that my newsfeed remains entirely amusement only. 

Rihanna: Disable your Twitter account.  There's this thing called "oversharing" and it will haunt you twenty years from now.

Lindsay Lohan: Take what's left of your money and go to college.  Night school, not university.  No dorms, no parties.  Surround yourself with books and learning.  Converse only with the sober.  Avoid the camera lens with the determination of the Amish and the strength of an aborigine.  Shun your family.  Take one year to look at others without forcing them to look at you.

Psy:  Remember William Hung?  Us neither.  Count your money while following his footsteps.

Young Hollywood:  Film-makers and stars: You're funny without the "shock".  You can be provacative without the vulgar.  And, newsflash!  The f-word is not an adjective, it is a verb.  Using it 50 times per film in its unintended tense does not a comic make.  Be smart.  On your behalf, I resolve one PG film from Judd Apatow, Seth MacFarlane, Paul Rudd, Jonah Hill and Seth Rogan apiece.  Consider yourself challenged.  It will be the best work of your life!

Claire Danes: Just for kicks... a comedy.  I dare you!

Boo Boo Family (That's Honey's last name, right?): She's getting taller, older, less cute-little-princessy... Come up with a game plan. Stat!

Taylor Swift: For you, I resolve a one year dating fast.  There's a world of music beyond break-up songs.  And, I'm beginning to think a secret society's been created by the young men who've served as muse.  (Joe Jonas to Jon Mayer, "Only one song, John! Pfft.  I was inspiration enough for three!")  You're young,  talented, rich and beautiful. Best yet... for a star of your age, your reputation is still pretty much intact.  (For now.)  Be free!  Be otherwise inspired!

Glee: Spin off the New York storyline as was originally intended.  It's good, but it's different and needs its own vehicle.  The college scenes are draining the color, vibrancy and spunk out of the high school ones.  And, when did Glee suddenly become a small screen version of Center Stage?  More singing less dance class, please!

Bakers:  Find a new trend.  We already had cake, cupcakes, mini cupcakes, ice cream cake, cake with fruit, cake with filling and cakes unnaturally shellacked in fondant.  There was never really a need for cake pops, was there?

Zombies:  Die already!  Again.

.

Mother Nature: A little tenderness this year?

Thanksgiving Traditions

Here in Detroit, we are not watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade this morning.  No, no.  Currently my television channel is set to the local NBC affiliate that is airing Detroit's own America's Thanksgiving Day Parade.  Yes, as humble and decrepit as our city may seem to the rest of the country... back off!  Today is Thanksgiving and we have our own parade and our very own football game too.

Living in the metropolis surrounding a core city that's experienced such loss (money, leadership, neighborhoods, Boblo Island!) there's alot that economics can't take away from metro-Detroiters; our spirit, hometown loyalty and traditions.

The parade lives on and is my background commotion this morning as it has been every Thanksgiving in the past thirty-eight years.

In our childhood home the parade would be viewed in the living room.  A quartet of kids, cozy in pajamas, crunching on Cocoa Puffs and hearing the clank of preparations in the next room.  Mom would be rifling through pots and pans and going through her methodical preparations:  Crisco-ing the turkey, lining up the boxes and cans of sides, ironing the good tablecloth and waiting on the electric double oven to heat.  Meanwhile, we kids remained nearby but out of the way.  The Detroit parade, its marching bands and mega balloons being the perfect distraction.

One year, I distinctly recall a local reporter dropping an expletive during the live broadcast.  A giant balloon of an adorable puppy was being commandeered down the street by its bundled-up handlers.  The female reporter, who either was imbibing in holiday spirits a little too early in the day or simply didn't realize that her mic was still live, remarked to her co-host, "Could you imagine if that thing took a *bleep* on your carpet?!"  (only without the censoring bleep!) My eyes went large and my stomach went sour.  That was a word I knew we weren't allowed to use and I wasn't sure I was even supposed to know of its existence!  I peripherally checked my siblings and not a flicker, not a comment.  I don't know if the slip had missed them or if they too were sitting wide-eyed in disbelief.  The purity of my holiday was soured for a moment.  This was not a holiday memory I ever wanted to cherish... but, here I sit with that annual remembering creeping up as tradition.

Eventually Santa would end the local parade and we'd take turns cranking through the six local channels to find more Thanksgiving fun.  Usually another of the major networks would be airing a medley of parades from across the country. They would swap coverage from New York to Hawaii to L.A. to even brief footage from our own humble parade.  It was always odd to see sun and palm trees mixed with turkey celebrations.  We locals associate the November holiday with cold, sometimes wet, sometimes crisp and sometimes snow!  Coconut-shelled hula dancers were always an odd mix in the variety of footage seen that day, but it became tradition too.

At some point we'd be urged out of our flannels and into our clothing.  And, about the time the scent of turkey would start to waft it would be time for the kids in the living room to turn the channel to Charlie Brown. 

Now, for some reason in the mid-eighties, they didn't air the Peanuts Thanksgiving special on Thanksgiving Day.  In the era before 24-hour holiday viewing on cable networks, you could only catch these specials once a year.  Charlie's holiday of popcorn, lawn chairs and toast would be aired an evening or two before the holiday itself.  On Thanksgiving Day, for some reason, the chosen mid-afternoon programming became Race for Your Life, Charlie Brown!  Yep, the special where Charlie, Linus, Peppermint Patty and crew somehow got involved in a water rapids race while away at summer camp.  The Peanuts had to battle the typical camp trials including the navigation of confusing military time, missed buses, nature's elements, Charlie Brown's ineptness and a gaggle of bullies which, of course, included an evil brown cat.  It was never my favorite Peanuts special, but with only six channels to contend with and most other p.m. coverage designated to the NFL, Race for Your Life became a part of our tradition as well.

Around the time the scent of turkey was joined by the additional aromas of rolls and pie, was the time we started crayoning out place settings and watching out the family room picture window for the arrival of grandparents and cousins.  Most major holidays were celebrated with my mom's side of the family.  Thanksgiving would include Lion's football on the tube for the men, a (weather-permitting) half-hazard round of touch football in the yard for the kids and who-knows-what for the ladies because we ran off and left them trickling back and forth between the kitchen and dining room.

Dinner always (and pretty much still) consisted of turkey (which my older cousin would always try to convince me was chicken, so I'd stop making gag-faces and try it), gravy, Stove Top stuffing, Hungry Jack's mashed potatoes, corn, canned cranberry sauce ("the red stuff"), some kind of pistachio dish my grandma would always make ("the green stuff"), sweet potatoes ("the stuff with the marshmallows in it") and heaping piles of split-top rolls.  Dessert was always an assortment of pies, pumpkin always present, and us kids trying to swipe mouthfuls of whipped cream, sans pie.  There is also a birthday cake for my grandmother who's birthday falls on the 25th.

After the carb-load someone would always fall asleep (one or two of the men), the women would sit chattering at the table and us kids would run off and play and/or try to spy on what the women were talking about (and maybe still be trying to swipe the whipped cream.)

Thanksgiving now rotates between venues with basically the same crowd; only now with the addition of spouses and new cousins/great-grandchildren/nieces and nephews (titles dependant on which branch of the family tree you reside.)  We thankfully still celebrate Grandma's special day along with the holiday (Her 93rd, this year!)  The company of my last-living grandparent I still cherish along with the fact that the rest of the family still shares love and company with one another after all these years.  God and is as good to us and he was decades ago, despite lifes ups and downs.  And, the comfort of the parade currently broadcasting in the background is one more way that I'm assured that home is home.

All Hail the TV Mom!

In honor of Mother's Day, I decided to pay tribute to some of my favorite tv moms.  Being a lifelong tv addict and seeing that I spend about as much time with my television families as I do with my biological one... it only seems fair. 

 

Carol Brady (The Brady Bunch)

The world seems to epitomize every 1960's era tv mom as being the ideal mother.  To be quite honest, though, I can't really name any particularly outstanding achievements of Lassie's mom, Ricky's mom or even the adorably perfect June Cleaver.  They all blend together in a colorless mix of aprons, ironing boards, rolling pins and cast iron pots.  They all speak softly except when exhaustedly exhaling their husbands' names when said mates are being especially sarcastic or stubborn.

But, then came technicolor and with it came Carol Brady.  Mrs. Brady had style and false eyelashes.  She was sensual but matronly.  She was elegant, but could don a flannel shirt with ease for the occasional backyard leaf-raking or camping trip.  And, she broke the cardinal rule of 60's tv motherhood by (gasp!) employing a maid!  A sixties tv mom who admittedly needed assistance with the household duties??? (faint!)  But, at least Mrs. Brady could always be found stirring a pot or assembling school lunches right next to good ol' Alice.  Not too proud to pull at least 30% of the weight.

And, Mrs. Brady was cool!  She'd always be shopping to keep the kids' wardrobes properly groovy.  She would bring such finds home from the kinds of stores that would wrap each shirt in its own little gift box, with its own fold of tissue paper tied together with its own little brown string.  She'd let her girls grow their hair to inappropriate lengths if they wanted to, with no concern for tangles or knots.  She'd let her kids take chances, but make sure they learned from their mistakes. She'd nurse you well when you were sick.  Take on your tiny problems as if they were her own.  Help you with your homework.  Let everyone have their say in family matters.  And, all with liquid eyeliner perfectly in place and while blissfully unaware of her husband's homosexuality.

Wilma Flintstone (The Flintstones)

The only cartoon mom that comes to mind, so she must have been the best!  She had the patience of a saint dealing with that hot-headed caveman of hers.  And, she could stand her ground next to him!  If she wants to sleep in her own twin bed, she'll sleep in her own twin bed.  If she wants to swoonily wait for the neighborhood Kissing Bandit to accost her, she's going to openly wait for that Kissing Bandit.  If she wants to hang out with Betty Rubble all evening, she's going to hang out with Betty, dang it!  I also always admired her red hair and giant rock pearls.  And, she did bear the cutest little cave baby known to man.

 

Carol Ingalls (Little House on the Prairie)

Oh Mrs. Ingalls.  So gentle, so wise, so good-hearted and even tough when necessary.  With all of these wonderful traits, all true, my biggest childhood impression of Carol Ingalls remains to be how she could take her hair down at night, brush all four feet of it with a boar bristle brush and look every inch a runway model.  On the prairie.  What a waste.

Claire Huxtable (The Cosby Show)

Look at that face Mrs. Huxtable is making at you. You're not even going to think of sassing Mrs. Huxtable when she's giving you that look! Now, you take your books, you march upstairs and you do every speck of homework in sight until you make something out of your life! She didn't work this hard for this long raising this many babies to sit around and watch you throw it all back in her face.   Are we clear???

"Picture it, Sicily, 1923..."

 Sophia Petrillo (Golden Girls) 

Oh Sophia!  You give your daughter and her roommates such a headache!  But, one day Dorothy will realize you've given her the greatest gift.  The gift that all daughters wish they had once their mothers are gone.  An exhaustively detailed ancestral history.  There will be no question, filling out that family tree, where Mama Petrillo came from!

 

Roseanne Connor (Roseanne)

The real mom.  She made mistakes.  She'd eventually admit to them.  She'd let you roam, knowing when not to sweat the small stuff and when to reel you back in.  She made the recipes off the backs of the boxes.  She'd put ketchup in the spaghetti if it saved a few pennies.  Yeah, her house may smell like mildew (I'm assuming) but you were always welcome back into it.  With your husband.  And, you're husband's brother. (Hey, maybe you could get one of those guys to look into that mildew problem...)

 

Cindy Walsh (Beverly Hills 90210)

The other nineties mom.  Practically perfect in every way.  Who else could handle Brenda's reign of terror without breaking a sweat?  Not, Kelly Taylor's mom.  That's for sure!

 

Caroline Manzo (The Real Housewives of New Jersey)

In a reality franchise meant to be utterly satirical; where viewers point and gawk at over-privileged undeserving housewives as they raise their families in the most stomach-churning and spirit-wrenching of ways... Out of the moral rubble, emerges a real life supermom!  Mama Manzo not only successfully parents her own brood of three, but dozens of middle-aged Joisy women as well.  I'll put myself up for adoption any day, if you're looking to replenish that empty nest of yours.

 

Claire Littleton (Lost)

I can't do a "tv favorites" post without mentioning my absolutely favorite television show of all time!  Claire was the only mom of the original cast, so it is what it is.  Yeah, there was Danielle.  And, eventually Sun.  And, Kate stepped in for a little bit there.  But, Claire was the only mother we got to spend an adequate amount of time watching her parent.  During which, she lost her baby to a kidnapper, almost let Charlie run off to psychotically baptize/drown him, left him to fend for himself in a pile of twigs with a sleeping Sawyer, a forest full of ghost whispers and legions of Others, Whatevers and Freighter Folk running amok nearby.  She eventually goes feral and forgets every important and sane detail of her and her child's life together, not to mention, how they parted.  Well, okay... so maybe I should rethink this nomination.

So what have we learned today?  Most good tv moms first names start with the letter C.  An even better ones, use some derivative of the name Carol. 

As much as we love and admire our tv moms, let's not forget the real ones this weekend.  No matter what your experiences with your real life mom, she's the one God appointed to you.  The least you can do is pick up a phone or a greeting card this Sunday and let her know she's the only mom for you! (Love you, Real Mom!)

Easter Traditions

Easter begins with an itchy dress.

Throw in an optional bonnet, patent leather shoes, some lacy gloves and a pair of white tights (that are sure to run and have dirt stains on the knees by the time lunch is served) and you've got our childhood Easter tradition.

No one knew this better than my grandma, because she's the one who started it all.

In the weeks leading to every Easter (and Christmas, as well) she'd wrangle up the grandkids, one family at a time, and take us to Sears for the traditional dress shopping spree.

In the earlier days of her grandparenthood, she used to simply shop on her own and deliver a pile of taffeta and scratchy lace to each house before the fateful morning.  I, unknowingly, changed things (at an age when I was too young to even remember) by scratching at my fluffy sleeve, making a sour face and proclaiming, "I no like'it!" during one such dress rehearsal.

Since that day, she conceded that not every girl loves ruffles, straw hats and lace gloves (fortunately for her, my sister and cousin loved hats, ribbons and gloves) and from that year forward, she would take us along to assist her in her purchases.

Easter morning always started with the baskets.  We used the same ones every year.  Carefully dying our eggs the night before, leaving them in a bed of plastic grass and out on the dining room table for the "Easter Bunny" to easily find (We had the same "don't ask, don't tell" policy with the Easter Bunny as we did with Santa Claus.) The air, by then, thick with the smell of vinegar.  (I, to this day, associate the smell of vinegar with The Resurrection.)

In the morning, we'd rush downstairs to find a toy or two, a chocolate bunny (hollow milk chocolate or white chocolate, for me) and a random assortment of additional chocolates, Peeps and jelly beans.

We'd then down our traditional Sunday morning breakfast of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls and Kool-Aid, hurry our sticky selves into our itchy dresses, and rush on off to Sunday school.

Easter morning was a different kind of church than we'd witness every other Sunday.  There were, not only more hats in attendance than usual, but many more people in attendance as well.  After Sunday school we'd end up squeezing into the sanctuary for the regular service. Usually being bumped from our regular pews by the twice-a-year Baptists who, in their infrequent attendance, didn't understand the normal seating arrangement.

That was okay though, because we'd soon be distracted by the fact that every child-sized patent leather purse (mine included) was filled with assortments of contraband sugary treats.

We'd hide the chocolate eggs to the side of our laps that our mothers weren't sitting on and oh so quietly try to unpeel the tin foil wrappers without being disruptive.  Whether or not it's even possible to quietly unpeel foil-wrapped candy is probably a moot point, seeing that the entire congregation smelled like one huge exhale of chocolate breath on that one April Sunday morning of every year.  The jig was probably up years ago, but no one told the kids.

Easter Sunday sermons were always a sweet relief to the horrific account we'd heard about at the prior Good Friday service.

We'd had one full day and two whole nights to shiver in the gruesome memory of what injustice our sweet innocent Jesus endured on account of our own sins. Then Sunday was a breath of fresh air because that's when the victorious coda of His story would be retold.

I'd always anticipate the Doubting Thomas part of the message. I always liked to think that I wouldn't have doubted Christ's resurrection like Thomas did... but I also always thought it would be oh-so-cool to be the one to get to touch our Savior's palms.

I'd say a silent prayer of thanks during the invitational for Jesus's sacrifice. This meant---not only a thankful heart for my salvation---but also that, thanks to His precious gift, we were no longer required to sacrifice pet sheep as a part of our church services as they did in the B.C. days. Phew!

After service, we'd rush across the jelly bean-littered parking lot and into the family van (with Jelly Belly remnants now stuck to our shoes) and hurry off to family dinner to meet up and play with all the cousins.

Dinner was ham.  A considerable amount of rolls would be consumed.  And, then would come the Easter hunt my aunt would annually produce.

She'd fill the empty lot, where our house now sits, with chocolate eggs and bunnies.  The candy was arrayed as if she just threw it about by the handful and then carefully laid a few pieces in the climbing tree and on the fire hydrant... which, I'm pretty sure, is exactlyl what she did.

Every July, my older cousin would always somehow find an errant piece of candy that had been hiding under a bush for the past three months, finally to be found and consumed.

The sugar high would last for weeks and the memories would last for years. 

These days we still get as many siblings, cousins and offspring together as we can.  Though, we all go to different services in the morning, or none at all.

I home-church my brother's kids, in which the annual tradition has been established of me choking and sniffling through the Good Friday message each and every year.  This year I made it through, without a tear!  (I kind of wonder if the kids were disappointed by this.)

Dinner is still ham. Rolls are still consumed by the dozen. And, chocolate candy is still to be found strewn about on the very same lot that is no longer vacant.

The crunchy bunnies are still the best, and God is still very good!

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead." (1 Peter 1:3)