Christmas Confessions

It's finally that time of year where we can begin to enjoy our yearly Christmas traditions.

However, since ours are quite typical, I thought I'd talk about some Christmas annoyances/confessions today instead:

• As touching as "The Christmas Shoes" song is supposed to be, I just find it depressing and have to quickly plug my ears and run anytime I encounter it in public.
• Whenever I hear the Jackson 5's version of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" I can't help but picture Joe Jackson open-hand slapping Katherine on mere speculation.
• I've never seen It's a Wonderful Life, never plan too. Sorry, it looks boring. Double-sorry, James Stewart's voice can only be stood in few sentence intervals.
• Despite its catchy the melody, "Baby It's Cold Outside" is really quite rapey in lyric. And, a tad hostagey too. (Men, no matter how cold it is outside; if your date asks to leave, you are not permitted by law to hold her against her will.)
• The more technologically advanced the world becomes, the more archaic Santa's methods begin to seem to me. Sleigh travel is so old school. (Can reindeer-power really compare to jet-power?) Toy-making elves seems a little bit sweat-shoppy. And, with all the world-wide courier services available online, there just seems to be no need for all that breaking and entering.
• "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" is quite possibly the rudest song ever composed.
• I watch Meet Me in St. Louis every Christmas Eve, even though I enjoy the Halloween scenes much more than the hallmark scene of Judy singing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas".
• Everyone goes mad for Black Friday sales, that have the same price cuts as Cyber Monday, whose deals are quite comparable to the Two-Weeks-To-Go! sales, which are basically the same as the Christmas Eve, last minute closeouts. Bah, Christmas shopping!
• There were two too many installments of The Santa Clause movies made.
• White Elephant gift exchanges: Make it stop. Nobody wants to find a place for this crap once they get home!
• I always found Ralphie's dad in A Christmas Story to be totally creepy and could never understand how his wife can bring herself to sleep in the same bed as him.
• When I saw little Ralphie all grown up in Vince Vaughan's Wild West Comedy Tour film, I developed a little crush on that towhead.
• I have no idea what figgy pudding is, even though I loved singing about it as a kid!
• How is it that Macaulay Culkin managed to clean the house so immaculately and finish every home repair before his parents got home? And, why on earth did he not feel the need to tell his parents about that little ordeal that happened while they were gone?! I guess the police were so amped to have caught the Wet Bandits that they didn't realize it was an unsupervised minor filing that report.
• The original Simpsons Christmas special still makes me laugh. #ouchquitit
• People who stress over the word "Holiday": Quit trifilin'. (And, read this.) 
• I love love love the Charlie Brown Christmas special and have to watch it at least once a year, but I secretly go into OCD mode when: 1.) the heavy snowfall suddenly stops as Charlie walks away after the catching-snowflakes-on-their-tongues scene. It's so obvious the cartoonists simply tired of drawing white polka dots; 2.) Lucy's "The Dr Is Real In" sign changes margins and spacing twice in that scene. The words are printed in three rows, then two rows, then three rows again... which is a real shame because it looked more pleasing to the eye in two rows; 3.) those little girls running around in their bare legs in the snow. Where are their mothers?! 4.) learning the hard way that mimicking the twin girls' moves in the dancing scene is likely to give you whiplash; 5.) realizing what a brat Violet is and being secretly satisfied that she'd probably be faced with cyber-bullying charges in this day and age; 6.) I can't understand why they would cast the role of a shepherd's wife in the play, when there are clearly no shepherd's wives hanging out in the sheep fields in the Nativity story; 7.) Schroeder is such a music snob; 8.) Charlie's tree magically gains branches and needles the more ornaments they cram on it. It's like blue security blankets were the mid-century's answer to Miracle Grow; and 9.) the gang is singing "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" at the end and they tip their heads back further than a human neck should go.  I know, I know... they're cartoon characters, but I don't enjoy looking up their nasal canals.
• Candy canes taste gross.
• I am writing this post to avoid wrapping presents.

Enjoy your Christmas everyone!

And, once you air your grievances, take some time to remember the true Reason for the Season.