Today's kiddie conversation in the car turned romantic when the ten-year-old asked me this:
10YO: "Kimmy, can I ask you something?"
MY THOUGHT BUBBLE: "Uh oh..."
MY ACTUAL WORDS: "Of course."
10YO: "Should I be mad at my best friend if he likes the same girl that I like?"
ME: "Well, if this girl is nice enough that you think she's great... chances are there will be other people in the world who think she's nice too. You can't expect to be her only friend."
10YO: "No, Kimmy. I'm not talking 'friends'. Pacifically..."
ME (a.k.a.Grammar Police, coming in quick with the cut-off): "...Pacifically's not a word. 'Specifically'..."
10YO: "Specifically, what if he like-likes her too?"
ME: "Well, how about you all have fun together at recess? There's no reason you can't both think she's nice and all be friends. There's nothing wrong with that. That's all you guys should be worrying about at ten years old."
He then launches into the whole story that his other friends think he should be mad at the best friend and think they should be fighting. This girl makes him laugh, this girl makes the friend laugh. But, everyone else thinks the friend is trying to "steal" her from him.
ME (Now playing the role of 'GIRL POWER'): "Steal her?! Girls aren't property and she doesn't belong to either of you! You can all be friends and make each other laugh. You guys are ten-years-old! It's not like anybody's getting married anytime soon!"
10YO: "Married?! You're thinking of like-like-like. I'm talking like-like, here..."
ME: "Oh brother!"
His verbal weighing of the right vs. wrong of the situation went on and on for a few more minutes that I, quite frankly, started to tune out of.
There was some more, "Everybody says this..." and "I think that..." But, then he brought me back with the statement, "Well, I guess I wouldn't turn on my best friend. As a matter of fact, I'd DUMP a girl for my best friend!!!"
ME: "Now we're dumping people?! I don't like that kind of talk!"
[Cue our little six-year-old punchline, chiming in from the back seat]:
6YO: "I dumped a girl once."
ME: "Oh, really..."
6YO: "Yeah. And, I mean I literally dumped her. Right into the trash can!"
The 2013 Academy Awards Show was the most anticipated by me in years. I had actually seen most of the nominees for once. I had mapped out my favorites and predictions. I had enjoyed the preceding award shows of the season, along with all of their stunning fashions, presentations and funny acceptance speeches.
But, in those other shows' wake, the 2013 Oscars could not hold up in comparison. The fashions were too safe. The speeches were mainly short, bland and sweet in fear of being played off by the Jaws theme. And, the water cooler moments were few to say the least. Bluntly put, the Oscars had a giant stick up its rump that the viewing audience was longing to see extracted at some point during the night. Yes, three-and-a-half hours seems an adequate time allowance for such a surgery, but alas...
Mining for gold in a coal mine, I managed to dig out the few treasures and honorable mentions from the C+ broadcast.
Let's start with the Red Carpet booby prizes:
Speaking of Booby Prizes: We all know what we thought we saw when Anne Hathaway made her entrance on the red carpet. Yes, we all thought it... and we're still not entirely sure.
Best Date: I've inherited a little Bradley Cooper crush after seeing him act his heart (and lungs) out in Silver Linings Playbook. He managed to create the only bipolar-loudmouth-rageaholic on screen that you actually want to take home to your mother. Speaking of moms... he then brought his along as his date for the big night, upping his adorable factor. I also place 2:1 odds on the bet that he reluctantly also let her do his hair that night.
I'm not normally the biggest Halle Berry fan (or even a fan at all...) but when the pros at Versace heard she was presenting the Bond retrospective, they whipped up this metallic shiner just for her. She looks just like a pistol! Mission accomplished.
The We-Get-It-You-Have-Nice-Hair Award goes to...
Jennifer Aniston, of course. Call me old-fashion, but I come from the school that if you choose to wear a dress that's wider than your shoulders, you should probably put your hair up. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy that you're happy Jen. But, there's a thing called a chignon. Try it sometime.
The Up-or-Down-Doesn't-Matter-to-Me-But-You-Could-at-Least-Run-a-Comb-Through-It Award goes to: K-Stew. Or, as I now dub her, K-Strewn. It's your foot that's hurt, not your hairdresser's hands. Just sayin'...
Achievement-In-Puffiness Award goes to Amy Adams. Some of the red carpet pros called it grey, some called in pale blue. I just called it entertainment for the rest of the night each time the stage camera panned to the front row and the entire row, along with all the earth around it, was swallowed up by Amy and Jennifer Lawrence's huge poufs. But, my love for Amy Adams proves that she can do no wrong.
My Porcelain-Doll Award goes to Adele.
My-Eyes-My-Eyes-My-Retinas-Are-Burning-Right-In-My-Head Trophy goes to Jane Fonda. But, she does get bonus points for wearing some color, which most everyone else seemed afraid to do this year. Even more bonus points awarded for not letting us believe for a minute that she's 75.
My Best Dressed of the Night went to Jessica Chastain. You know you've arrived when someone begs to make free dresses for you that perfectly match the color of your skin and hair.
My Runner-Up for Best Dressed goes to Naomi Watts. Not just as an apology for not having seen The Impossible yet, but for actually taking a risk on this safe night. I normally think of sequins as being dated. But, with the most interesting and least offensive cut-out of the season, she definitely earns at least a silver medal in my book.
Now onto the show:
As for Seth MacFarlane's hosting... meh. He wasn't as offensive as Ricky Gervais's attempt at the Golden Globes. But, I definitely would have preferred Tina and Amy, or Billy Crystal, or Chris Rock, or Ellen Degeneres... It's great that some singing and dancing was brought back to occasion. But, the most entertaining part of his tenure as host came, not from the show, but in the press the next day when he went on the record as saying he'd never host again. Something tells me someones had experience preempting a breakup!
The "We saw your Boobs" song controversy: Yeah... it was a little tacky. But, if you don't want people singing about your boobs, don't have your boobs recorded on film and then broadcast to millions. (Jennifer Lawrence has this lesson down.)
Tommy Lee Jones Smiles: just before he gets robbed.
Les Mis Cast Sings Live: Accompanied by Russell Crowe's bobbing head keeping time as metronome.
Revenge of the Blondes: Showing at an Oscar-cast near you. Gooooooooo hippies! (Or are they surfers? It's hard to tell. Metal-heads...?)
Less-Impressed-Than-Kristen-Stewart Award: Joaquin Phoenix is our winner by a long shot. Just when you thought no one could be more annoyed by their invitation to the biggest event on the planet, someone had to go and nominate Joaquin for Best Actor. The nerve! (Honestly, though... the more I watch this gif, the more I pray for his soul. Marvelous actor, but is he okay?)
The Mighty Fall: The press made a way bigger deal out of this than necessary. Maybe it just fell slightly higher on the ranking of the night's lowlights that it had to stick. If you haven't heard, Jennifer Lawrence slightly stumbled on her way up the stairs to receive her Best Actress trophy. And, people were just amazed that she found humor in the moment and had the dignity to go on with her speech! Puh-leeze... Did they want her to run backstage crying about it?! If she had tumbled from the top of the stairs to the bottom and then continued to roll down the nearest aisle, poufy dress over head, maybe then the moment would have warranted a YouTube clip here. But, this pic is all you get. (On the bright side, the following burst of laughter may have been enough to finally stir Joaquin Phoenix from his coma.) By the way, Meryl Streep also tripped on her dress, right on stage, when presenting the next award... but, any mention of this in the press? Nooo...
Best Preggo Presentation was brought to us earlier in the night by Channing and Jenna Tatum.
Causing us to wonder who's future bump we'll be anticipating nine months from tonight.
Will it be:
Yes, Tim and Helena appear to have just rolled out of the sack...
But, I think Ben and Jennifer stand the best chance for Most-Likely-to-Get-Knocked-Up-Tonight.
Speaking of Ben Affleck: He wins my prize for Most Sincere Gratitude, which is nice to see in Hollywood.
Lastly, there's a bigger prize I have to award tonight. My Best Overall goes to the adorable Quvenzhane' Wallis.
She first wowed us on the red carpet with her gown chosen strictly on merits of fluffliness and sparkliness. (Not to mention her coordinating puppy dog purse.)
She then continued to entertain us throughout the night by cheering for herself at every mention of her name, showing off her muscles and all-in-all enjoying herself. At nine years of age, she's the award show's youngest Best Actress nominee. But, unlike many child stars who've come before her, she doesn't have that polished child-actress grace. She's not overly-poised in her interviews. She didn't seem to be reciting the words of her publicist all night. She just came to have fun at an event that's meant to be fun. Which is something that the stressed-out professionals four times her age seem to have forgotten how to do.
A fist pump for Quvenzhane'! May your future be as sweet as your night was. And, may your ego stay as grounded as Jennifer Lawrence's knees. ('Cause she fell down... did you hear?)
Sometimes, as a boredom deterrent, I have to create games to entertain myself with. On a Saturday like today, which consisted of laundry, more laundry and not combing my hair... the game of the day is Song Titles for Narcissists.
The game is simply played by taking song titles with the word "You" in it, changing the you to "I" or "Me" and then giggling silently to yourself.
Here's a few that I came up with:
"Say Me, Say Me" (Lionel Richie)
"All I Want is Me" (U2)
"In My Eyes" (Peter Gabriel)
"Thank Me" (Alanis Morrissette)
"Nothing Compares 2 Me" (Sinead O'Connor)
"Someone Like Me" (Adele)
"Need Me Now" (Lady Antebellum)
"Waiting for a Girl Like Me" (Foreigner)
"F*** Me" (Cee Lo Green)
"(I Just) Died In My Arms" (Cutting Crew)
"Every Breathe I Take" I'll be Watching Me (The Police)
"I Hate Myself for Loving Me" (Joan Jett)
"I Can Leave My Hat On" (Joe Cocker)
"Me and I" (Lady Gaga)
"God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on Me" (N*sync)
"I've Got It (The Right Stuff)" (New Kids on the Block)
"Wish I Was Here" (Pink Floyd)
"I Belong With Me" (Taylor Swift)
"M.E." (Method Man and Redman)
"Any Way I Want It" (Journey)
"I'm Still the One" (Shania Twain)
"The Way I Make Me Feel" (Michael Jackson)
Guess we can throw in the unedited "Man in the Mirror" while we're at it.
And, my personal favorite:
"I Like the Way I Move" (OutKast)
Well, that was fun. Feel free to play along at home. Now back to folding!
